


Honey I Love You But I Just Can't Smile

by ScienceGeeky



Series: The Leijon Journals [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: 17th Century AU, F/M, Humanstuck, TAGS ARE SPOILERS, tags by chapter, tell me if you need something tagged
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2019-10-21 12:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17642522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScienceGeeky/pseuds/ScienceGeeky
Summary: Meulin Leijon's beloved mother passed away not even a year ago. Now she's raising her younger sister alone, trying to balance her friends, her family, her work, and most important--her beloved Kurloz. It's going to be difficult, but she can do it. Right?





	1. Sweetest

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all! This is a sequel to my earlier work focusing on Meulin's mother. You don't need to read that work to understand this one (it is very long), but they are related. I tag things by chapter and they will generally be spoilers, so just shoot me a message if you need something tagged. My tumblr is the same as my ao3 name if you have any questions or just want to chat!

2 April 1638

I’m going to run out of space here soon. I guess that’s bound to happen! It happened to my mama, anyways, and I keep a journal because she did too. 

Kurloz came over today and I made him supper. He says he loves my cooking. He’s just the sweetest! And so handsome. I know I’m an orphan and I don’t have any sort of dowry, but he says he doesn’t care. He says he likes me, not my family or my money. It makes me blush, I’m sure, but he says that’s adorable, too. 

I’m glad I can talk to him. I can’t really tell Nepeta how I feel about Mama and how it still hurts--I’m her older sister! I have to be there for her! But my friends, and Kurloz especially, I can talk to. He’s so kind about it. 

Porrim keeps telling me to be careful, but by her own admission she doesn’t trust any man further than she can throw him. So I’ll take that with a grain of salt. 

 

4 April 1638

Kitty’s been in love with Karkat for a while now, and…I know he doesn’t love her, but I wish he wasn’t so damned rude about it. She doesn’t really understand subtext, and he’s made to everyone, but especially to her. 

I don’t like him much, him or his brother. I can’t imagine my mama ever being in love with someone like them. Kankri is pretentious and won’t stop talking and whenever I try to explain to him that us women have some problems, too, he just talks right over me. Karkat is rude and loud and he won’t let on that he cares, ever. As far as I’m concerned, they both need to grow up. 

But they’d say I do, with my silly romantic ideas of love, so I don’t know. I just think everyone should be happy with someone else! And couples are so darn cute! I don’t understand how anyone doesn’t love romance. It’s just so sweet! 

Well, I can’t matchmake anyone right now--I have my own love life to deal with. Time to go meet Kurloz again! 

 

7 April 1638

I want my mama to meet Kurloz. I know it’s silly, but I want her to approve of him. She knew a lot about love! She loved so many people after all--her husband, and her best friend and her real mother and her first child and my sister and me, and she loved Nepeta and me so much. She’d love Kurloz, too. 

He’s a good listener. And he talks to me, too, about how he’s worried about his father’s approval and how his father is always telling him who and what he’s supposed to be but he doesn’t want to be that. His father is some powerful duke, someone my mama knew when she was younger, but Kurloz is better than that. My mama wasn’t like her mother, so I told Kurloz that, and he looked so relieved. People don’t have to be like their parents, and I hope Kurloz knows that. 

 

9 April 1638

Horuss and I had lunch today. I still don’t feel old enough to live on my own, so he comes by a lot to spend time together. His brother and my sister are very close, so I suppose he feels responsible to me. He’s awfully chatty, but we don’t actually talk about much--just little things, books or friends or the market. Sometimes it feels odd to be close to him, because he is much higher class than me and also a man, but my mama was friends with his father, so I’m sure it’s fine. 

 

12 April 1638

I kissed him today! It was a long time coming but today I plucked up some courage and drank a glass of wine and asked him if he wanted to kiss me. He said yes so I kissed him! His lips felt very nice on mine and it wasn’t long but it felt lovely. I’ve been walking on air since. He’s so sweet and kind…I think I love him. 

But I want to be sure. I’m a bit young to be getting married, anyways--I’m only seventeen! I want to wait until I’m nineteen or twenty, probably, so I can be sure. And I don’t think I want to have a baby, too, before I’m twenty. My mama just said she couldn’t have children, so she wouldn’t have had to know, and anyways I do want children. 

I’m sure Kurloz will understand. He’s so good about these things. That’s why I like him! 

 

15 April 1638

I wish Horuss and Kurloz got on better. Horuss’s brother is important to my sister, so he’s going to be in my life for a long time. And I love Kurloz, so I hope he’s in my life for a long time. 

Maybe they just don’t understand each other. If I can get them to spend time together in a big group, maybe they’ll talk more and get used to each other and eventually they can be friends. I’m not willing to lose either of them, so they best learn to get along! 

I’ll ask Horuss about it, even though we don’t normally talk that way. Maybe he can explain why he doesn’t like Kurloz. He’s a good friend--he’ll be able to tell me something. 

 

17 April 1638

Well, Horuss told me today over tea that he thought Kurloz didn’t like him very much! So that’s easy. I told him Kurloz certainly has no problem with him--he just takes time to warm up to people. So that’s that solved! My love and Horuss are going to be friends, and it’s all going to work out. Maybe it’ll even be like my mama’s family, with all three of us someday being best friends! 

I’m so happy today. I thought perhaps they had some fundamental disagreement about politics or some deep-down personality clash. And it just turns out it’s just a misunderstanding! This is the sort of thing my mama always told me was important--good communication--is going to fix this problem, too. 

I just need to worry now about Nepeta and Karkat. I know she likes him, and I know he does not like her. I just don’t know how to fix it. I could try to tell Kitty that Karkat doesn’t like her, but I’m not sure she’d take it to heart or even listen to me. On the other hand, they’re only thirteen. She has plenty of time to grow out of it. 

Or, I hope so, anyways. 

 

19 April 1638

Kurloz is so sweet. We were kissing today, and he pulled away from me and rested his forehead against mine so our noses were just barely touching and said, softly, “You are so wonderful.”

“So are you.” 

“Meulin, you are so gorgeous you drive men to sin.” 

“You’re handsomer than the prince himself.” 

“I don’t think handsomer is a word,” he teased. 

“I don’t care.” 

He kissed me again and I felt like I could fly. For all I know, I can. 

Nepeta thinks I’m mad, but she won’t stop obsessing over Karkat, so she’s one to talk. I told her no kissing until she’s sixteen, and I know my mama never told me anything like that but I worry about her. I have to raise her now and I’m too young. 

I’m terrified. Have I mentioned that? I need to raise my little sister like my mama raised me, and I’m not old enough, and I don’t know how. She doesn’t have anyone else besides me. That’s another reason I can’t get married for a while--I can’t get married and go live with my husband until my sister is at least seventeen or eighteen, so until I’m twenty-one or twenty-two. That’s a little old for me, but if it’s Kurloz, not so old for him. I’m sure he won’t mind. He’s so kind about me being an orphan and all. 

I should talk to him about that, though. He knows Kitty means more to me than anything. Like I know how his brother means everything to him. If we’re going to be in each other’s lives, we have to be able to get along with the important people in them. 

 

22 April 1638

I sat down with Kurloz today and we talked about some things. I told him about how I can’t possibly get married until Nepeta’s old enough, because she’s my sister and I have to raise her, and he told me he’d wait a thousand years to marry me. I remember when we first met and he was so shy all the time, all closed in on himself because of his father. Now we can sit down with some tea and just talk about our future and our feelings, and it’s okay. 

It’s good. My mama talked a lot about her relationship with her husband, and this seems pretty close--we love each other, talk a lot about how we feel and what we want, and can make compromises (like agreeing to wait until Nepeta’s old enough to have our family together). 

We also talked about his father today. He gets so stressed out about how much his father wants from him, to be the next duke and marry a rich lady and have five sons. He just wants to go to university, marry me, and have a son and a daughter. He wants to be an intellectual, and if he must be a duke, he wants to be a good and just one. I think that’s so cute! He promised he’d help me, too, because he knows how hard it is for women. He’s a good man--nothing like his father. 

Like my mama, I found a good man. I just wish they weren’t so rare. 

 

24 April 1638

I love spending time in the village with my friends. I think when Kurloz and I are married, I’ll come into town every day to spend time with them. Latula’s fun and full of energy, Porrim’s smart as a whip, Aranea can spin stories all day, Mituna’s clever and witty, Damara’s sweet as pie and funny too, Rufioh’s friendly and bold, Kankri’s eloquent and smart, and Horuss is amicable and quite brilliant. Of course, Latula and Mituna can both be really reckless, Rufioh is a relentless flirt, Aranea will blather on even if you try to look bored, Damara can be very cruel if provoked, Porrim will argue with Kankri all day if you let her, Kankri of course won’t shut up and doesn’t actually know what he’s talking about, and Horuss…can be very dense, on a good day. But we’re all human! I know I’m not perfect. 

It’s the best, of course, when Kurloz visits our village with Cronus and Meenah. I don’t like Meenah very much--she can be awfully mean when she puts her mind to it--but Kurloz I like very much, and Cronus is mostly harmless, I think. 

It also gives me a chance to watch how people interact so I can figure out who’s best for each other. I know I’m very good at that. It’s pretty obvious to me that Damara and Rufioh are a good match for each other, though I’m not sure I’ll interfere. Mituna and Latula are obviously good for each other, and their personalities mesh well. I think Aranea and Meenah would be good together, although I don’t know if either of them love women that way. I think, perhaps, that Rufioh might be good with Horuss, but I don’t know if they love men, and I’m not as sure about them anyways. Much as I hate to say it, Horuss isn’t always the best at people. 

I’m glad Kitty likes the village, too, because I don’t like leaving her at home all day. She has her friends, my friends’ siblings mostly, and she’ll stay out of my hair. 

I wish my mama was still alive. I just want to be able to spend time with my friends without worrying so much. 

 

27 April 1638

I had to go hunting today, again. I should teach Kitty how to shoot soon. Our mama taught me when I was thirteen, almost fourteen, but she didn’t take me hunting until I was sixteen. I guess now it’s my job to teach her how to hunt. 

I’m not old enough to be raising her. Not old enough by half. 

Maybe it’ll be easier to do this once I’m married and have a baby of my own. Then at least I’ll be old enough. 

 

29 April 1638

Kurloz was by again today. It’s so nice to kiss him. It makes me feel like I could fly! He’s so sweet and romantic, too, always bringing by these cute trinkets he found in the marketplace in the city he knew I’d like. 

I know that someday I’ll want more than just kissing him, but there’s plenty of time for that later. Right now…it’s nice to just kiss him, have lunch with him, and be together. It’s nice. 

In the books, when people are happy, it’s usually a sign that they actually aren’t and need something else. But I think I’m really, properly happy. I mean, raising Kitty is terrifying and I have way more responsibilities than most of my friends, who have parents, but I love Nepeta more than I can say and Kurloz too, and my friends are wonderful, and I have a home. 

I’ll never stop missing my mama. But I know she wanted this for me, and for Kitty, because she loved us. 

We’ll be alright.


	2. Sister, Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meulin argues with her sister and talks things over with her darling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is late! Quantum mechanics kicked my butt this term. I hope to be more on time next term, but with Contemporary Experimental Physics With Lab, that may not turn out unfortunately. Thanks for sticking with me!

2 May 1638

Kurloz is so sweet! He brought me flowers today, and they were gorgeous. Sometimes I feel bad that I can’t offer him half the lovely things he gives me, but he swears up and down it’s fine. I just don’t have the money for it, raising Kitty and all. 

Well, that’s alright, I suppose. And if we do marry, we’ll share money and I can buy him something nice for once. 

 

6 May 1638

Kitty brought Equius for lunch again today. I know she doesn’t like the village, but it’s expensive to hunt and cook for an extra person all the time. And I have friends too! Sometimes I just want to spend time with my friends, without worrying about if my sister’s alright. And I can’t do that if I have to feed two fourteen-year-olds! 

Kitty’s going to be really mad, but I really need to have some time to not be taking care of her. 

 

9 May 1638

It didn’t go over so well with my sister. 

“Nepeta, you can’t have Equius over for lunch so often.”

“Why not? He’s my best friend, and Kurloz is over all the time!”

“We can’t afford it.” 

“We don’t buy food. We just hunt!” 

“I hunt, Nepeta! I hunt! You just hang out with your friends in the village all day! I have to take care of you and all the time I spend hunting or gardening is time I could spend doing midwife work or selling medicines, or taking a damn break for once!” 

“You don’t like me!” she said. She doesn’t shout when she’s upset with me, but her voice goes all flat and quiet and she just sounds…well, to anyone else she sounds uninvested, but to me she sounds so sad. 

“I love you, Kitty, but you’re driving me mad! Can’t you leave me alone for a minute?”

“Fine,” she said. “I’ll go away, then. Fine.” 

She stalked off, and I feel bad about it, but at least she’ll be out of my hair for a little while. 

 

13 May 1638

Nepeta hasn’t talked to me since we fought, and it’s my fault. I feel awful. It’s not her fault about Mama and it’s not fair to blame her for how I have to take care of her. I need to apologize to her, and just…I don’t know. Talk to someone else about it, I suppose. 

I should talk to Kurloz. He’s noticed I’ve been upset lately, but I haven’t told him. I just should. I think he’d understand. 

 

14 May 1638

Our mama died one year ago today. I miss her so much. I can’t…I can’t write about it. I just can’t. 

 

16 May 1638

I apologized to Nepeta today. “Hey. Um. Nepeta. I’m really sorry. None of this is your fault. I’ve just been…worried a lot, lately. So…sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I don’t have to bring Equius for lunch so often.” 

“I appreciate it, Kitty,” I said. 

She smiled a little and squeezed my hand. I sometimes wish she liked hugging, because I always hugged Mama and I hug my friends, but it’s not her fault and I won’t bother her about it. 

We have to talk about these things. That’s what Mama always said, and I think she’s right. I can talk to Kurloz about these things, about Nepeta and I can talk about what we can and can’t afford. 

 

17 May 1638

I talked to Kurloz today about things. He’s been busy the last couple of days with business in the palace. His father is a duke, and he’s going to be the next duke, so there’s all sorts of complicated things he’s to deal with, not the least of which is convincing his father that he should be allowed to marry me. He says he’s warming his father up to the idea slowly, not mentioning me until his father is alright with him marrying a commoner (“Albeit a very pretty one,” he said). 

Anyways, I told him about how I’m worried about raising Nepeta, and he took my hands and said, “You’re doing wonderfully.” 

“And why do you say that?”

“Well, partly because I know you’ll do wonderfully at anything you set your mind to. And partly because I’ve seen your sister around and she seems great. I mean, she’s different, we all know that. But you’re doing great, and she’ll do great.” 

“Thanks, Kurloz. It’s such a relief to talk about this.”

“I’m here for you,” he said tenderly. He squeezed my hands and added, “You’re great.” 

“Thanks,” I said again. “What about you? Is it stressful in the palace?”

He shrugged. “A little. My father…he can be awfully serious. And he’s…I…I’m not sure I should tell you this.” He twisted up his face like he does when he’s nervous, all tight and pinched. 

“Kurloz, it’s alright. I won’t hold it against you.” 

“He talks about your mother, sometimes. I think. He calls her by that old name--Disciple. He says they were friends when they were younger. He said they…they were close. That they talked some after her husband--Sufferer--died. I--I don’t know what he’s trying to imply.”

I bit my tongue. “My mother didn’t love anyone else after him. If that’s what your father is saying, he’s wrong.” 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you,” he said. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sure he’s making it all up. I think he’s hung up on everything that happened back then.” 

“I still don’t understand all of it,” I said, staring into my teacup. “Mama never told me much. I know they tried to fight your father and all that, and some of why…the unfair taxes and all. But she didn’t tell me much about what happened.” 

“Me neither,” he said. “I--I’m sorry…”

“It’s not your fault,” I said, like always. “And you’re--we’re going to change things, when it’s our turn. Look, I’m sure your father believes what he’s saying. But I know Mama didn’t love anyone after her husband.”

He nodded. “I believe you.”

It felt good to talk to him about it. I’m glad we can talk to each other, because otherwise I’d lose my mind. And it’s a relief to get all that about my sister and my mother off my chest. I’m glad he can talk to me about the palace--life there must be so stressful! I can hardly imagine. 

 

21 May 1638

Horuss came over today with Equius. He’s kind, and although I don’t talk like I do with Kurloz, he’s a comfort to have around. He’s a little older than me, too, so he checks in on us sometimes. With Mama gone and all, he knows I’m worried all the time. 

He’s a good friend. I trust him. Most of my friends are women, so it’s nice to have a couple who are men. 

 

25 May 1638

Speaking of my friends, Latula and Porrim and Damara were over for tea today. Latula can be a little wild sometimes, and Porrim can be a bit biting, and Damara has a bit of a tendency to overreact, but I love them. It’s wonderful to sit with them when I have a free moment and eat and drink tea and chat. I gossiped about Kurloz, and Latula about Mituna, and Damara about Rufioh. I think Rufioh might like Horuss, but he definitely likes Damara, so it’s hard to tell. Porrim rolled her eyes at us and said men were never worth it, but I like Kurloz, and we can talk with each other. It’s good. 

I like Porrim, but she can be quite pessimistic! 

 

30 May 1638

A few of us spent time together in the village today, and it was a relief to have some time away from home. I love my home, but it’s nice to get outside sometimes. I’m still quite young; I think I ought to be allowed to enjoy myself a little bit more. I don’t love going to the pub and drinking myself silly like some of my friends, but it’s nice to just spend time together the village, and I’ll drink some. I’m not my mother! 

I don’t know why she never drank. I suppose some people are just like that. 

 

4 June 1638

I’m glad it’s summer. The garden is growing again, and while it’ll never be as lovely as when it was Mama’s, it looks alright, I think. I don’t think I’ll ever make the garden as lovely as when my mother maintained it, but I can certainly try. 

I’m not really the midwife like she was, either, but I’m trying at that, too. It’ll be better when Nepeta can hunt. Then I can dedicate more time to being the midwife and the garden, too. I really ought to teach her to shoot; she’s old enough for it. 

 

8 June 1638

I finally found a few hours today to teach Nepeta to shoot with the big bow. I set up the target in the back and gave her the bow and arrows our mother used to teach me, and showed her with our other one how to aim and fire. She’s already awfully good! I told her to practice every day, and soon she could go hunting. 

I’ll teach her to hunt when she’s sixteen, which was when Mama taught me to hunt. She turns fifteen this year, so I think it’ll be sooner rather than later! Well, that’s good. We’ve got to work together to survive, and while she’s only a child now, she’s going to be an adult soon like I am. 

 

13 June 1638

Nepeta is very, very good at shooting. I mean, I’d beat her in any competition, but she’s amazing for a beginner. I’m astounded. I told her how good she is and she just about glowed with pride. She should be allowed to be that happy. 

She brings Karkat over sometimes with her other friends and I know she likes him--she thinks he’s handsome as can be--but his brother is so frustrating! He flat-out told me women have their place and we should stick to it, and I nearly slapped him! He’s not my least favorite person ever, but he’s as long-winded as Aranea (although not nearly as interesting) while being as irritating to talk to as Cronus (though, thankfully, not half as flirtatious). 

Well, I don’t have to see his brother much. Porrim likes him, but I won’t see him if I don’t want to. 

 

15 June 1638

Kurloz came by for lunch again today. He kissed my cheek and told me I looked lovely and I blushed like mad and told him he was sweet. He is! He’s sweet like sugar, but not nearly as expensive. Sometimes just looking at him I feel so warm inside, it’s wonderful. 

We talked for a while about not much, family and friends and the village and how life is, and then…then he kissed me, and he kept kissing me for a long time, and so I kissed him, and it was just wonderful. I’m not sure how to describe it! It felt hot somewhere in my stomach, and I felt the strangest shiver up the back of my neck when he ran his hand through my hair to rest it there. 

I think I’m really in love with him. It’s such a wonderful feeling to be with him. I feel safe with him, and comfortable. Just sitting with him at the table and drinking tea is enough to make me feel more relaxed, and considering how worried I always am that’s nice. 

He says he feels comfortable with me, so maybe he loves me back. I hope so! It’s scary to say it, but I hope we can. Maybe I’ll give it a little more time. I want to be sure! 

 

19 June 1638

Horuss came by again today, and he seemed worried. 

“Is everything alright?” I asked. 

“I suppose not,” he said. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“I…” He looked left and right, and spotted Equius and Nepeta in the library, absorbed in a book on mathematics. “Yes.”

“Have a seat,” I said. “I won’t tell anyone.”

He frowned and looked down. “My father…he is ill.” 

“Oh no,” I said. “Horuss, I’m so sorry.”

“I think he will recover,” he said. “He has been ill before. Every time it happens, it frightens Equius.” 

I nodded. “It’s hard.” 

“I do not want him to grow up afraid,” Horuss said. “He is young; he ought to be enjoying himself, before these responsibilities of ours set in.” 

I nodded again. “I feel the same way about Nepeta.” 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sure you are much more worried.” 

I shrugged. “Well, we are orphans now. But me being ‘more’ worried--which doesn’t really mean much, because I don’t think you can measure feelings--doesn’t mean you can’t be worried, or tell me how you feel.” 

“Thank you,” he said softly. 

“Of course,” I said. “Hey. What are friends for?”

He smiled, a little weakly, and said, “The tea is delicious.”

“Oh, thank you.” 

And we talked about nothing until it was time for Equius to leave. 

 

22 June 1638

I think my friends have heard a million times how proud I am of my sister, but I am! She’s already hitting the target almost every time, and she sews better than I do, and she’s already doing mathematics I couldn’t do until I was seventeen! Anyways, my friends are proud of their siblings. Why shouldn’t I brag about how talented Kitty is? 

She sells some of the things she sews in the market, and today she brought home a few pence. We keep our money in our mother’s old savings jar, this lovely crystal thing I have no idea how she afforded. We never had much money when we were younger, and everything nice we have in the house is very old. 

 

27 June 1638

I think my sister thinks I’ve read Mama’s journals. I found them, but I haven’t read them. I don’t think it would be right. They’re private! I don’t want anyone to ever read my journals. And anyways…I think there are things I don’t want to know. It’s probably for the better that I don’t understand everything that happened between my mother and my friend’s parents. 

It’s very tempting, though.


	3. Not Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As harvest time comes, Kurloz and Meulin realize their relationship is going very definitely in one direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long pause! I did manage a passing grade in Contemporary Experimental Physics, and I now have some time to write before Thermodynamics and Waves kick my butt again. 
> 
> This chapter brought to you by Fall Out Boy's Growing Up, because, frankly, Glenview never meant a thing to me, either.

1 July 1638

We went to Mama’s grave today. We usually do once every few weeks, but today it just seemed sadder. It’s nice that forget-me-nots grow there, but the clearing just feels…sad. It’s not lonely, but it’s sad. I mean…it’s a graveyard. Of course it’s sad. I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll be buried in the churchyard, because I was baptized and I’m not going to marry an illegitimate child, but this is where my mother’s old family lies. 

We put flowers on her grave and talked to her a little. I know she can’t hear, but it’s comforting to talk to her like she’s still there. Nepeta misses her as much as I do, and she cries a little every time. This time, I took her hand and we walked back home like that. One of these days we’ll feel better, and going to see Mama’s grave won’t be so sharp. Or so I hope. 

 

4 July 1638

I invited some of my friends over today, but Porrim said we should come into the village. When I asked her why, she said it was because it was Kankri’s birthday. I went, but he’s exactly as annoying as ever. I know Porrim likes him, but I have no idea how; he thinks women should know their place, and she thinks men should step down from government entirely for a while. 

Speaking of people I can’t stand, Cronus was there, too. He sulked for a while, complaining about how his father wouldn’t let him pursue his musical dreams (he’s going to be a damned duke, why the hell would he want to play the lute in some old town square), flirted a bit with everyone, and then left in a huff. Meenah went after him, even though she doesn’t like him either, and Kurloz touched my shoulder and said, “I’d better calm him down.” 

“You’re the best,” I said. 

He grinned and kissed my cheek, then left. 

Latula and Damara teased me about it later, so I teased Latula about Mituna, since the two of them have been quite the lovebirds lately. And then I told Damara I’d seen Rufioh kissing her hand, and she turned so bright red I was a little worried. 

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” she said. “He’s just so handsome, and kind, and confident…”

“He likes you,” I said. I mean, it’s obvious. I don’t know why people are so strange about this; I think it’s pretty obvious who people love. Porrim loves to talk about it with me; sometimes she just comes by while I’m working, making medicines and such, and has tea and we just talk about our friends, who loves who and all that. Sometimes Porrim talks about the latest person she’s…she’s slept with. 

Porrim says she very much enjoys sleeping with people. She says it feels spectacular. I wouldn’t know! I’ve kissed Kurloz, but we’re not married yet and I want to be married first. I should talk to him about it, probably. But not yet! It’s much too early for that. 

Well, anyways, it was an alright day. I can only go into the village sometimes, so I’m glad my friends are willing to walk to my house to see me. As long as I’m not hunting or treating someone, they’re always welcome. 

 

9 July 1638

Kurloz came for lunch today, and while I was cleaning the dishes, he said, “Meulin?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think someone who’s…who’s seeing someone else can be friends with someone who likes them?”

“Um…” I puzzled through the question, then said, “I think…maybe. Do you mean if I could be friends with someone who liked me the way you do?”

“Yes,” he said. 

“I suppose if the other person was courteous of the relationship.”

“I’m just not sure,” he said. 

“Why do you ask?” 

“Well…you know Eliza, my old friend?”

Eliza’s his old friend from when we were little, before we all knew each other. She’s the daughter of some other noble couple. “I do.”

“I think she likes me. I just don’t know if I can be friends with her, now. With you.” 

“I wouldn’t mind,” I said, which is true. “She’s your old friend. Don’t worry.” 

“Alright,” he said. “Thank you. That’s a relief.” 

“Of course,” I said. I think he worries a lot about hurting me on accident, because of how his father hurt my mother. But I’m fine! I’m glad I can calm him down when he gets like that. He needs to worry less!

 

12 July 1638

Of all things to disagree on, I’m glad it’s religion between Kurloz and me. He believes much more than I do, and in different things. But he’s kind about what I believe, and never tries to convert me, and I never try to convert him. It’s good! 

I guess I believe in what my mother believed in. She believed people were good, and the world was good, and sometimes it didn’t seem like it and sometimes people were cruel or terrible, but that didn’t mean that the world was cruel. I suppose I believe in God, and in heaven. I believe all people are equal and ought to be treated the same. 

He’s so cute when he talks about the things he’s passionate about. His eyes sparkle, and his voice gets much more confident and strong, and he smiles like nothing could go wrong. He’s just so sweet! I can’t believe anyone doesn’t believe in love like this. When he smiles at me, it feels like I could fly. I love him. 

 

16 July 1638

I’m so proud of Kitty. Today she and I went to the village to sell some of what we’d sewn or grown (we grow more herbs than we use), and together we made quite a few pence, and afterwards she told me she’s going to be a seamstress--she’s going to sew the most beautiful, elaborate dresses ever and sell them for a lot of money. She’s good at sewing--I think she could!

I’m going to keep up my midwife work when I’m married. I want to be married, but I don’t want to give up my work, and I’m never going to give up how close Kitty and I are. 

 

19 July 1638

I know when Kurloz and I were first together I didn’t spend a lot of time with Kitty, so I’ve been trying very hard to be good about spending time with her, and with my other friends. I’m glad my mother told her about getting a woman’s body and sleeping with men before she passed, though, because it means I don’t have to. I don’t know how I’ll do that with my own children. 

I’ve had my bleeding for a year or two now. Kitty’ll get hers soon enough, because she mentioned her chest growing. Mine’s stopped, thank goodness, and I think they’re a nice size. I like my body well enough; it’s strong, and capable, and quite attractive if I do say so myself. I hope my sister likes hers as much!

 

22 July 1638

Horuss was over today for tea. He said his father’s doing better, which is good. Apparently his father’s health has been weak since last year. Actually, I remember the first time his father got sick; it was right around when my mother passed, and I remember because there were a few months when Equius was never over because Kitty was hurting so badly and his own father was ill. 

Anyway, we chatted and I lent him a book to read from Mama’s library. His manner can be a bit stiff sometimes, but he’s kind at heart. 

 

27 July 1638

Kitty said today that she was having trouble telling Karkat how she feels, and it’s not helping that Equius disapproves completely. 

“Well, Kitty, no one has to approve except you. And me!” I teased. 

“I just don’t know what to say,” she said. “I don’t know how to say these things.”

“That’s not just you,” I said. Sometimes she frets because she has trouble saying things to people in ways they understand. It’s hard for her, and that’s certainly no one’s fault. “These things are hard.” 

“How’d you do it with Kurloz?”

“Well, it was mostly little things,” I said. “He did sweet things for me, and I said kind things to him, and before long…I told him I thought he was the sweetest, handsomest man I’d ever met and he smiled cute as can be, and he said he thought I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and now we’re…together.” 

She frowned. “But he’s quiet. Karkat…he’s so loud.” I could tell she was nervous; she’s normally much more talkative. 

“He is,” I agreed. “If you can find a time when it’s just you two, that would probably be best.” 

She shifted in her seat and swirled her teacup around. “I don’t know how Mama did it with her husband.”

“They loved each other,” I said. “Maybe they didn’t have to.”

“Don’t you know?” she asked. “Didn’t Mama write about it?”

“Kitty, I haven’t read her journals,” I said. 

“Yes you have!”

“No I haven’t.”

“Yes you have! You won’t let me.”

“Because they were private! And I think there are things we maybe shouldn’t know about. Things she didn’t tell us for a reason.” 

“I want to know! Don’t you? It’s like finding a historical artifact!” We don’t play out those stories we made up together as children, but she references them more than I do. 

“I do,” I admitted. 

“Please? Just a little?” she asked. 

“Jeez, Kitty, you’re a bad influence!” I said. “I’ll think about it.” 

“If I find them I’ll read them!” she said. 

“Well, you won’t find them,” I said. “I hid them very well!” That’s not true. But Nepeta doesn’t like to go into Mama’s old room. 

“Please, Meulin? Please?” She made her big kitty-cat eyes at me, and I could hardly resist. 

“I know she’s gone, but we still ought to respect her privacy,” I said. “I don’t read your journal, and you don’t read mine.” 

“But she kept us safer than we need to be,” she said. 

“She had her reasons.” 

“They might have been bad reasons. We’re old enough now--we should know what happened. Especially since you’re going to marry Kurloz!”

“Not yet I’m not!” I exclaimed, blushing terribly. 

“Well, you will,” she said matter-of-factly. “You know it, too.” She’s right, really. We’re both very good at telling other people’s relationships. 

“Alright, maybe,” I conceded. 

“I think Mama would like him.”

“Really?” I asked. 

She nodded. “Meulin…I miss her.”

“Me too, Kitty. I think…from what she said about her old family…we’re always going to miss her. We just get used to it.” 

Nepeta frowned and looked down. “Linny…” She crossed her arms tighter over her chest like she does and pinched her lips together. “I don’t want to cry anymore.” 

“I’m sorry, Kitty,” I said. “Me neither.” 

We didn’t talk anymore, but I held her hand for a long time while we both cried quietly, missing our mama. I miss her so, so much. She loved us and took care of us and she was so kind and good and she was the best midwife. I just…love her. 

 

1 August 1638

Kitty’s birthday is soon. I’m not sure what I’ll get her, because we don’t have much money, but I want to do something since neither of us wanted to celebrate our birthdays last year. Maybe I’ll get her a book of patterns? Or cook her something nice? Sometimes we have to eat celery, which she hates, so definitely none of that. 

This is hard. I have no idea how my mother did it. 

 

5 August 1638

Today was Nepeta’s birthday! I gave her a book of patterns and scraped up a few pence for some puff pastries, and then made some of that with fruit from the garden (I don’t pick berries from the woods anymore since I ate some yew berries last July and vomited terribly). Kitty had her friends over and she had fun. She loved her gift, too, thank goodness. 

She’s fifteen now. She’s going to be old enough to be on her own soon. I’m already old enough to be on my own--I’ll be nineteen in ten days--but she needs to be old enough before I marry and leave. It’s not that I’m overeager to leave--I love her to death, and I never want to not be so close with her--but I do want to marry and have my own family. 

We’ll write, if nothing else. And have tea once a week or more, and see each other in the village. I’ll see my other friends, too! I’m not going to get married and then leave all my friends behind like some people do. I love my friends and my sister too much! 

 

8 August 1638

Latula told us today she and Mituna are going to be married in November. Well, we are eighteen! It’s high time most of us settled down. I’m excited to go to their wedding! I’m sure it will be lovely. Mituna has steady work on a farm, and Latula does laundry, so they’re well-established enough. Damara has been thinking of talking to Rufioh, because they’re both nineteen now, but he hasn’t said anything yet. Of course I need to talk to Kurloz about how I can’t marry until Kitty is eighteen. Porrim won’t be getting married as near as I can tell. Kankri’s made some vow to never be in a relationship or have children. Meenah’s been betrothed to Cronus since they were born, although it’ll be mostly to produce an heir rather than because they love each other, which I know is normal for most people but still makes me a little sad. 

That leave Hourss and Aranea. I cannot imagine a worse match! Aranea would chatter on about things Horuss doesn’t understand or care much about, and he’d be too polite to tell her to stop, and then he wouldn’t respond, and she’d feel hurt because as far as she could tell he’d be ignoring her, and if he tried to talk some he’d surely confuse her with his technical talk and odd obsessions. And having children together! It would never happen. 

Well, that’s assuming we stay within my group. I’m sure there are other suitable young ladies and gentlemen for Aranea and Horuss, and I suspect Aranea might be enjoying Meenah’s company an awful lot more than she lets on. (Cronus surely doesn’t care.) 

It will work out. I can always help things along; I’m quite good at that. I was the one who prompted Latula and Mituna to see each other, and who has been carefully laying plans for Meenah and Aranea to have some time together, and who has been prodding Damara to be more upfront with Rufioh. I can handle this. 

 

12 August 1638

My birthday is in a few days! I invited my friends over, and I’ll be cooking, although nothing fancy. Maybe I’ll pick some late berries from the garden, and sprinkle on the last of the sugar. I used most everything for Kitty’s birthday. 

 

15 August 1638

Everyone came over today, even Cronus and Kankri and Meenah. My heart felt so big I thought it would burst, to see all of my friends at my home because I asked them to. I know they love me like I love them, but it’s still nice when they confirm it by just being here for me. Everyone said the berries were delicious, and some of them even brought presents! Porrim gave me a nice new skirt, and Latula a few pieces of candy, and Meenah and Aranea gave me a new book together. 

And once everyone else had left, Kurloz gave me a beautiful bunch of flowers and the longest, most amazing kiss of my life. I think he bruised my neck a little. Not that I mind! It felt wonderful. I’m still floating a little at the memory. 

I hope we can do that more. It was…very nice. Very, very nice. It will not be difficult for us to have children, I don’t think. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to feel like to want someone, but when we kiss like that, I feel a shiver up my neck and my insides feel hot and I just want him to be closer, even when he’s pressed right up against me. 

It’s wonderful. 

 

18 August 1638

Kurloz was over for lunch today and so I talked to him about getting married. 

“Kurloz, I…I think I love you. And I want to marry you. But I can’t until Nepeta’s eighteen--old enough to be on her own.” 

“Of course,” he said kindly. “It will give me more time to convince my father this is a good idea, too.” 

I nodded. “I’m glad you agree. I really appreciate it.” 

He smiled. “I would wait a thousand years to marry someone as wonderful as you. Although I hope I don’t have to.” He has this sweet little smile when he teases me.

I felt my face get warm. “You’re twice as wonderful.” 

He is adorable when he blushes. “Thank you.”

After lunch, I asked if he wanted to stay a little longer, and then when we were sitting on the couch I asked him if I could kiss him. 

“Of course,” he said, and then he leaned forward to kiss me hard. Kitty was in the village, so I knew we had some time, so I kissed him back as hard as I could. My heart was beating so hard I could heart it in my ears and I felt like I was floating. 

“Meulin…” he said, softly. 

“Hm?” I tried. 

“You are so beautiful you drive men to sin,” he said with that same soft voice. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

And I do. 

 

22 August 1638

Today is Mama’s birthday. Or it should be. She’d be forty-three. 

I didn’t do much today. I should have but I just miss her so much. It’s been more than a year but I love her so much, and I’m not ready to do this without her. I can live on my own, as I’ve been doing, but I just wish she was here to help me. She knew so much. She’d never call herself wise, but she was. 

Kitty didn’t do much either. She mostly sat in the library next to Mama’s chair and picked at her least favorite skirt. 

We both miss her. 

 

28 August 1638

Horuss came by today and he could tell I was tired, so he said, “Would you like to talk about it?” 

“Hm?”

“You seem upset.” 

“I just miss my mother.” 

“I’m so sorry,” he said. 

“She was so much better at all this than me! She was a better midwife and a better hunter and gardener and she was much better at taking care of Kitty.” Nepeta and Equius were outside, so I knew she couldn’t hear me. “And I just miss her. She was my mother.” 

“I’m very sorry,” he said kindly. “It must be awful for you.” 

“Yeah,” I said. “I mean…it’s better. But it hurts a lot.”

“She was your mother,” he said. “It is perfectly natural to miss her. I think you were very close to her, so it must hurt terribly to lose her.” 

“We were close,” I said. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again, with such sincerity. I’m glad he’s my friend. He’s very straightforward and even though he’s a bit odd sometimes, he’s kind deep down. 

 

2 September 1638

The leaves are gorgeous this year. I went for a walk around the woods with Kurloz, holding his hand and all, and we just admired the leaves. 

I wish we could marry right now. (Only partially because I want him so badly.) But waiting is, I think, good to make sure we’re right for each other. I know love isn’t really the point of marriage, but I want to marry someone I love like my mother did. 

 

6 September 1638

He surprised me today with a little box of chocolates and flowers! It was so sweet. And he got all worried when I told him about how much I’ve been working lately. I do work a lot, and of course I hunt and garden and all that, and lately I’ve been harvesting and preserving (which Kitty is a huge help with), but it’s sweet of him to be worried. 

It feels very safe to be with him. I know he loves me, and it’s just comfortable to be loved like that. He’s so romantic, too! It reminds me of my mother’s stories about her love bringing her flowers when they were sixteen and first seeing each other. 

 

9 September 1638

I haven’t seen my friends in a little while, since I’ve been doing so much preservation. Nepeta and I are both home a fair bit, drying and sorting and all that. But I told Porrim and Latula and Damara, and they said they’d try to come to my home. I hope they do! 

 

13 September 1638

Porrim came to my home today to gossip over cups of green tea, which is always fun. I wish I could be in the village more, because apparently something is happening between Damara and Rufioh, but it’s hard to tell what. Porrim said she was sure I’d know right away what was going on, but no one else could tell. Then she told me about her latest fling, a woman from the village named Isabella. 

“How do you not get pregnant?”

“Well, we’re both women in women’s bodies.”

“No, I mean, when you sleep with someone who has a man’s body.” 

“There’s a trick to it. I can tell you if you like, if you don’t want to wait until you’re married.” 

“I--that’s not it! I just--I want to be able to choose when I have children, and how many.” 

“I’m teasing you,” she said gently. “I’ll tell you.”

And she did. I do want to be able to choose when I have children, and how many of them I want. I don’t want to have too many too close together, or just have too many. I want to be able to have the children I can afford to take care of, and I want to be able to care for them with all my heart. I don’t want to have a dozen little ones all at once, each one needing more than I can give, and so they end up feeling unloved. I want to love my children like Mama loved Nepeta and me. 

She had such a heavy heart she couldn’t have cared for a third child, I don’t think. It would’ve been too much for her. I don’t want my children to ever be too much. 

 

18 September 1638

One of these days we’ll have everything preserved. In the meantime, Latula visited today for a while. She gushed about her wedding, because she loves Mituna so much (they are perfect for each other), and then asked how I’ve been. So I told her about my work, and how Kitty’s been, and Kurloz and I. 

It’s nice talking to Latula. She’s so full of enthusiasm! She loves sports, and she’s good at them, too. She and Mituna play together when they have time. I’ve never known someone quite so happy. She’s not optimistic like Nepeta’s friend Feferi, or cheerful like me, but she’s so happy and friendly. I just love being around her! 

I love all my friends so much. They’re just the best. 

 

23 September 1638

Kurloz came for tea and kisses today, like he does. Most days when he comes by we kiss these days. It just feels wonderful to be so close to him like that. We still talk, of course! But we do kiss. 

While he’s working on his father, apparently his father has been looking for suitable suitors for him, like Eliza but other women too. 

“It’s driving me a little mad,” he admitted with a cute smile. “I promise, none of them will be as amazing as you.” 

“I know,” I said. “I trust you.”

“Thank you,” he said. “I just don’t want to do this. It’s such an absurd dance, and it’s so long until we can marry and he’ll stop.” 

“Are you still trying to persuade him?”

“Of course,” he said. “It’s been slow going. I’ve gotten him to admit that common women are just as capable of childbirth as noble women, which is what really matters to him, but he still thinks that a noble woman would be better, somehow.” 

“Well, good luck,” I said. 

“Thank you. I promise I want to marry you--it’s just that he is the duke. And my father.”

“I know,” I said. “We have plenty of time. And we love each other--that’s all we need.” 

He smiled sweetly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

It’s going to be okay, since we have each other. 

 

27 September 1638

I’m almost done with harvest, and then it’ll just be some time to dry things out. Which is to say, I might be able to spend some time in the village with my friends! Maybe I can figure out what is going on with Damara and Rufioh. 

It’ll be such fun!


	4. Diamond Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meulin receives a most wonderful gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author projecting their feelings about their little sister leaving for college in a few weeks onto their story about an older sister? It's more likely than you think. 
> 
> As always, I live for comments, and as always, thanks for sticking with me!

1 October 1638

I went into the village today and Porrim was right, I could tell almost right away what was going on. It’s not good, though. I hoped Rufioh might be planning a sweet way to propose to Damara, but it’s clear to me now that Rufioh isn’t entirely faithful; he’s also seeing Horuss. 

I need to confront Horuss about this. It’s really Rufioh’s fault (he’s the one being unfaithful), but Horuss should know better. 

I won’t tell Damara about it, not yet. She would be wrecked if she knew. She loves Rufioh; if he was unfaithful, it would tear her apart. If I can just persuade Horuss not to, it’ll all work out. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to get Rufioh to be honest with Damara (well, sort of honest--tell her he doesn’t want to marry her, not that he was unfaithful). I can keep this from breaking down. 

Or so I hope. 

 

6 October 1638

Horuss was by for lunch today, so I confronted him about it. 

“Horuss, are you seeing Rufioh?”

He went bright red. “I--what does that matter?” 

“You know Damara is waiting for him to propose. They’ve been seeing each other for two years!”

“He doesn’t love her anymore.” 

“That doesn’t mean he should be unfaithful. He should tell her, instead of going behind her back. My first thought was to persuade you to stop seeing him, but if he doesn’t love her anymore, I best talk to him about that.” 

Horuss shifted. “I am not sure he loves me, either.” 

“What?” 

“I do not think he loves me as he says he does. I think he is bored.” 

“Well,” I said, trying not to feel furious. “In that case, I best have a talk with him.”

“Meulin, please…”

“Horuss, I am not going to stand by while someone I am friends with breaks my other friends’ hearts.” 

“If you say so,” he said. 

“I’ll talk to him soon,” I said. “Tea?”

He nodded, and we talked about not much for a while longer. 

 

10 October 1638

I found Rufioh in the village today and told him I’d like to speak with him. He said yes, so once we were out of earshot of everyone else I said, “Rufioh, you need to stop playing games with everyone’s hearts.”

“W--wha--what do you mean?” 

“Clearly you haven’t been faithful to Damara, and I’d wager Horuss won’t last long either.” 

He went as red as Horuss before, and then said, “I--what am I supposed to do?”

“Work up the courage to be honest with them. Otherwise you’ll just make this worse.” 

“I--that’s not fair!”

“You’re kind enough, Rufioh. Now try being truthful, too.” 

And I left. 

He best get himself together, or this will all go very badly very quickly. 

 

14 October 1638

I had a bit of an argument with Kurloz today. 

“Meulin…do you love me?”

“Of course,” I said. 

“I…I heard you snuck off with Rufioh the other day. Aranea mentioned.” 

“I had to tell him off. He’s playing games with Damara and Horuss, not being faithful to Damara but not really in love with Horuss, either. He can’t keep doing that. So I told him to start being honest with them.”

“Oh,” he said. “Alright. Do you think he will?” 

“I hope so,” I said. 

“You didn’t…you’re not seeing him?”

“Of course not,” I said as reassuringly as I could. 

“You promise?”

“Yes,” I said. 

He nodded. “Thank you. I’m sorry. I just worry.” 

“I know,” I said. “It’s alright. I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

 

17 October 1638

Rufioh still hasn’t told Damara, or ended it with Horuss. I am running out of patience with him, but there’s nothing more I can do, short of telling Damara, and that would rip her apart. I suppose all I can do now is wait. 

I’m glad I’ve got none of this in my love life. I’m not sure I could stand it!

 

22 October 1638

All Souls’ is in a few days, and I’m very excited! Kitty is too. It’s going to be great fun. It’ll be nice to take a break from working all the time. My friends will all be there, and Kurloz even said he would be, even though the celebrations at the palace must be twice as spectacular as anything we could dream up! He said he’d rather be with me for the holiday, and anyways our festival was quite nice, all things considered. 

Well, he won’t have to be with his father. He really does not get along with the man, and it’s fair enough, too. Between his attitude towards common people, his propensity for angry outbursts, and the way he treats his own wife, there’s plenty to dislike. Kurloz isn’t like his father, and doesn’t like being around him, so he likes it when he can stay out of his home. 

By the time we’re married, his father will be almost fifty, so quite old. And Kurloz promised I’d never have to deal with the man, so I don’t mind. 

I wish he could have met Mama. His mother died when he was young, when his brother was born, and his father is not a kind man. Mama would have loved him! And she already took care of Kitty and me when our parents wouldn’t, or couldn’t; she’d be so kind to him. We’d be a good family together, all of us. 

 

27 October 1638

I finished embroidering the new skirt I was making for the festival in a few days! It’s this pattern that’s supposed to look absolutely gorgeous for dancing, and I embroidered a pattern of vines and daisies on the hem. It’s pretty as can be! I hope Kurloz likes it. I can’t wait to dance with him! He’s a wonderful dancer. 

Kitty’s practically bouncing off the walls with excitement. She’s going to ask Karkat to dance, and I can tell he doesn’t love her like whoever she might marry ought to love her, but I hope it goes well. I hope he isn’t cruel. I hope he dances with her and they have fun, and I hope if he has to reject her outright that day, rather than waiting for a day that’s not a festival, I hope he’s kind about it. Well, what I really hope is that he realizes that my sister is the most wonderful girl he could hope to marry, but they’re only fifteen, so there’s time for that. 

 

31 October 1638

Today was the festival! I danced with Kurloz for hours, and he told my my skirt was beautiful. He loved our festival, too, said it was wonderful and fun and a great time. Mrs. Topham who plays fiddle is getting pretty old, but she still plays brilliantly. And dancing with the village, everyone I’ve grown up with, holding my…my fiancé’s hands was just wonderful. It felt so light and free. I’ve never felt so warm and happy. 

He hasn’t proposed to me, not really, but I saw something in his pocket that could’ve been a box for a ring. And I know he wants to marry me, as much as I want to marry him. We’ve been seeing each other for quite a while, now, and if it weren’t for Kitty I’m sure we’d be planning our wedding. 

Kitty didn’t ask Karkat to dance, even though she said she would. She told me she would tomorrow. I hope she does! It’ll be better for her to get it off her chest. 

Rufioh danced mostly with Damara, her being a woman and all, but he did a few dances with Horuss, and normally I wouldn’t notice or care (I dance with all my friends at least once), but I know what Rufioh’s doing, and I’m not happy with him right now. Of course Latula and Mituna danced their hearts out, like Kurloz and I. I’m so glad at least some of us can just be happy!

 

1 November 1638

Kitty finally asked Karkat to dance today, and he said yes. They danced once, and I saw how happy it made her. He didn’t say anything afterwards to her that I saw, and anyways after that Kurloz did that thing he does when I get too involved with these things, where he touches my cheek softly and says something kind. This time he said, “Come on, now. There’s nothing you can do. I’m right here. Let’s dance.”

“Yes, let’s dance,” I agreed, and we danced until my feet hurt. 

 

4 November 1638

Latula and Mituna are going to be married on the twenty-sixth! I’m so excited. It’s going to be such fun! And I know the two of them will be happy together. I could tell that when we were sixteen! They’re going to be so good for each other. 

I know all this romantic love isn’t really what most people care about it, but it’s just so sweet! And it makes people so happy. 

 

8 November 1638

I’m going to faint. He proposed to me today! We were in the village, just sitting and talking, when he said, “Meulin, do you love me?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then…” He went on one knee, and took my hand, and said, “Will you marry me?”

“I--Kurloz…I…Nepeta…”

“Not now,” he said. “Not until you’re ready, and she’s ready. I just want to promise you. Will you marry me someday?”

“Yes,” I said. “Yes, of course.” I could feel my eyes tearing up, and I was trembling all over when he slipped the ring on my finger. “A ring?”

“I know it’s not traditional,” he said. “But you said your mother had one, and I want you to always know that I’m promising myself to you.” 

“No, no, it’s fine,” I said. “It’s just expensive.” 

“It’s fine,” he said. “I have all my father’s money.” 

“What about your father?”

“He can introduce me to all the noble women he pleases. I want you.” 

I was certainly crying, too happy to speak. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

And then he kissed me, soft and gentle, and I thought I might melt from it. 

We’re going to get married. Not for a long time, but we’re going to get married. We’ve been seeing each other a year this Christmas, so I suppose it’s high time, but I’m still so excited I can hardly breathe. And the ring…it’s absolutely gorgeous. I can tell it cost him a fair bit; it’s gold with emeralds and diamonds (he knows I love green), and it fits perfectly. I keep spinning it around my finger because I’m just so excited! I’m going to marry him! 

Kitty noticed, of course, and she grinned huge and said, “I told you so!”

“You were right,” I conceded. 

“Can I help you make your dress?”

“Of course, Kitty. But we’re not really going to get married until you’re old enough to be on your own.” 

“So, when?”

“When you’re eighteen.” 

“That seems awfully far away.”

“Well, it is, a little bit anyways. But I don’t mind, and neither does he. Kitty, you’re my little sister. You’re the most important person in my life, and I’m not going anywhere until you’re old enough to live on your own.”

“You were only seventeen when Mama…when Mama died.” I could tell she thought I was treating her like a baby. It drives her mad when people do that, because she’s not. Our mother was prone to it, but not for the reasons other people do, and I know that because Mama did the same to me. 

“Hey, Kitty, I don’t think you can’t. It’s just that…I wasn’t ready when Mama died. I’m still kind of not. So I don’t want to get married and move on when you’re still only fifteen.” 

“Well, I would miss you anyways,” she said. 

“I’d miss you too,” I teased. “When I move, I’ll write you every day.” 

“I’ll write you back every day,” she promised, and she took my hand and squeezed tight. “I love you, Linny.”

“I love you too, Kitty.”

She hardly calls me Linny anymore. I’ll always call her Kitty, but Linny was her name for me when we played pretend when we were younger. It was how we’d know what was pretend and what was real. When it was pretend, I was Linny and she was Kitty. Sometimes when things were hard with our birth parents and we were so hungry it hurt, I’d call her Kitty and we’d pretend we were in a dangerous dungeon, and our captors were trying to confuse us by making us hungry, and we had to fight through to escape. And then with Mama, I called her Kitty and we’d pretend we’d escaped to the palace of the benevolent queen who was our real mother and now our mission was to blend in so we could someday return to vanquish the evil queen who’d stolen us. 

Mama said to me once that it was good we could acknowledge that our birth parents were wrong to treat us like that, even if we did it by pretending, because it meant we knew we deserved better. 

Now I just call her Kitty because she’s my sister and I love her, and it’s how we know we’ll always be sisters. No matter how much we grow up or what happens, we’re sisters. She’s Kitty and I’m Linny. 

 

13 November 1638

We’ve been helping Latula make her wedding dress, and it looks wonderful. It’s this gorgeous blue thing with gold ribbon accents, and parts of it are from her mother’s wedding dress. And she’s borrowing a necklace from her mother, too, something that was once her aunt’s. It’s this pretty gold chain with a pendant that’s scales, like for measuring weights. Latula told us it was a bit scandalous, but she’d eavesdropped and heard that this was a gift to her aunt (the one with the funny name, Neo something) from a woman she was seeing! Apparently the two of them were quite close for a time. 

“Of course, my mother doesn’t want anyone to know. It would be such a scandal.”

“My mother’s mother-in-law loved women and she was amazing,” I said. “It’s not such a terrible thing.”

“I know,” Latula said. “But they were sleeping together, apparently.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Porrim said. 

“I don’t think so,” Latula said. “But you know my mother. She can be a bit old-fashioned. Apparently my aunt was a bit of a black sheep in my father’s family when they were young.” 

“Really?”

“Oh, yes. She dressed as a man to go to school and practice law, not to mention her lady friend! I wish I could do that!”

“Why can’t you?” I asked.

“Money,” she said. “School’s gotten more expensive, and with me doing laundry and my darling farmwork, we just don’t have the money for it.” 

“I’m sorry,” Damara said. 

“It’s alright,” Latula said breezily. “I don’t mind laundry, as long as you keep mixing up that salve for me.” I make a slave of my mother’s for Latula’s dry skin. 

“Well, alright,” I said. 

“It’s hard to believe we’ll have a child soon,” she said. 

“You don’t have to,” Porrim said. 

“I really like him,” Latula said. “If that’s what you mean. He’s very handsome.”

“No, I mean, there’s a trick for not having children,” Porrim said. “It’s worked for me.” 

“What?” Latula asked. 

So Porrim explained it to her (I’m blushing just thinking of it!) and Latula nodded thoughtfully and said, “That’s good to know. We can stand to wait a few years to have children.” 

“I’m always glad to spread knowledge,” Porrim said with a little smile. 

Latula’s dress is going to be beautiful. I can’t wait for her wedding! 

 

18 November 1638

I’ve been looking at patterns for my wedding dress. Not very seriously, of course, but idly. When I’m married, I’m sure Kurloz will try to give me money for my dress, but I want to make my dress with my own money. I’ll use the lace from my mother’s wedding dress, I think. Or maybe I’ll just wear my mother’s wedding dress? She left it to us, Kitty and me. It’s gorgeous, and it would fit me, and she wore it to marry her love. But I want to make my own wedding dress!

It’s a hard choice, but I have lots of time. 

 

24 November 1638

Their wedding is in a few days! I’m so excited I might explode. Surely Latula and Mituna are even more excited than I am. I can’t even imagine! I hope this is how I feel before my wedding! 

I hope they have the best marriage ever. I hope they have all the children they want, and that when they’re old and creaky, they can rest a little. I hope they have wonderful lives. 

 

26 November 1638

The wedding was beautiful! The ceremony was of course in the church, and it was like most weddings, but their vows to each other were so sweet. They’re so good for each other. 

And then afterwards we all went to their new home, a little cottage near Mituna’s father’s home, and we had a feast and danced until it was very, very late. The two of them cooked together for us, and it was delicious--meats and a wonderful potato dish and a huge pile of sweet buns. Cronus, as frustrating as he can be, is truly a spectacular musician. He played for us while we all danced, and after the first dance (which was of course for Latula and Mituna), we all danced together. 

And of course they went to bed afterwards, and the rest of us left them in peace. 

Kurloz walked me home, and I told him I hoped our wedding was half as fun as that one. He touched my ring and told me he would make sure it was. 

 

30 November 1638

It’s getting awfully cold out. Of course, it does that in the winter, but it does make me nervous. Nepeta hates her winter cloak, and Mama was never able to sew one she liked. She can’t stand to have things tight around her neck, or things too heavy on her shoulders. People get sick in the cold, and from the cold, and I’m not sure what I’d do if Kitty got sick. 

It also makes my work harder, because I have more people to treat. Most people don’t trust me like they trusted my mama, because I’m only nineteen and she was actually an adult, but I still can help people. 

Well, I’ll make a little more money to compensate for the harder hunting. 

 

5 December 1638

Second Sunday of Advent today. Mama always did Advent with candles and such, and so we do it now to remember her. We still use those lovely colorful candles she used to, three purple and one pink and the center one with the lovely design. Today was for joy, so at supper we talked about what we’re happy about. 

“I’m happy for Latula and Mituna.” 

“I’m happy about dancing with Karkat.”

“That was a month ago, silly,” I teased. 

“He said yes,” she said. “I never ever thought he’d say yes! And he’s a really good dancer!”

At that, Button jumped onto her lap and nudged her hand. 

“I’m happy we have Button,” Nepeta said. 

I laughed. “Me too. She’s the best cat. But not the best Kitty!”

“I’m the best Kitty,” she said with a sort of warmth that told me she knew what I meant. Our mother wanted us to know we were loved, and that we were allowed to love ourselves, and I want Kitty to know I love her and that she’s wonderful and loved no matter what. 

 

8 December 1638

Kurloz was over for lunch today, fretting about Christmas with his family. 

“My brother will hardly notice, and my father is going to try to gift me a betrothal of some sort, I’m sure.” 

“He just wants what’s best for you, I’m sure. Even though he’s wrong about what that is.”

“I suppose.” 

“I’m sorry. I wish you could’ve known Mama. I’m sure she would’ve understood. And she’d have loved you!”

“You think so?”

“I know so.” 

“That’s good to hear,” he said. “The only thing my father taught me that helped me was to be more confident.” 

“My mama taught me the same thing.”

He smiled. “Well, at least my father is right about one thing.” 

“He must’ve done a few things right to have a son as wonderful as you.”

He blushed a very sweet bright red and ducked his head, then took a sip of tea. “Thank you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

And I do. 

 

12 December 1638

Third Sunday of Advent today, for peace. It’s the pink candle. It was nice to watch the candles burn down as we ate, Button mewing at us for scraps. We usually give her a few, but she hunts mice too. She’s grown up to be quite the mouser from the tiny thing she was when Mama first let us have a cat! 

It’s sweet when Button sleeps on Nepeta’s bed. She goes to bed earlier than me, and I stay up late writing anyways, so sometimes when I check on Nepeta she’s asleep in her bed with Button curled up next to her. I like having a cat. I’m glad I persuaded Mama about that. 

 

16 December 1638

I don’t know what I’ll get Kitty for Christmas this year! It’s hard to buy things for her when I don’t have much money. We’ll do presents on Christmas of course, like my mama did, even though I’ve no idea why she did that, so I have even less time. 

I want it to be perfect for her. I know I worry a lot about her, but she’s my little sister! My friends don’t all get along so well with their siblings, but I love Nepeta. Well, none of them are orphans, either, so we’re a bit of a special case. 

Kurloz and his brother don’t get along much at all. Gamzee isn’t as religious as Kurloz, and Kurloz is frustrated because he feels his brother’s lack of religion, rather than being a difference in faith like mine, is because his brother is forever finding new intoxicants to try. And Gamzee doesn’t like Kurloz because he thinks Kurloz is trying to prevent him from discovering his own religion (which is, apparently, inordinate amounts of alcohol among other substances). 

On the other hand, Porrim and Kanaya get along famously. They’re more like Nepeta and me. But Porrim’s older than me, and she and Kanaya have parents, even if they are from the city. 

I can’t even imagine the city! Porrim’s been a few times, to visit her aunts, but her father isn’t very close with his sisters. Porrim says it’s complicated, and her father doesn’t like to talk about it. I can’t imagine what could’ve happened, but I suppose people lose family to things other than death with a certain regularity. I hope that never happens with Nepeta and me. I want our children to be friends with each other. I want them to grow up together. 

And I want them to have parents until they’re old enough not to. It’s not my mama’s fault, getting sick like she did, and it’s not her fault she couldn’t get through it. She mentioned once or twice that something awful happened to her when she was younger, and I think it made her weaker than she’d ever admit. I’d know what if I read her journals, of course, but I said I wouldn’t and I won’t. 

It’s incredibly tempting. 

 

19 December 1638

Last Sunday of Advent today, for love. I have so much love in my life! I love my sister, and Kurloz, and my friends, and I still love my mama, even though she’s gone. I will always love these people; I’ll always have them when I need someone. And of course Kurloz is just the sweetest man I could hope to be engaged to. 

We’re engaged! I remember it sometimes, all of a sudden. He proposed to me and gave me the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen. It’s something I’d never be able to afford on my own, certainly! My mother left me her engagement ring, and I’ve worn it on my right hand since, but now I have my own ring and it’s beautiful! Not that my mother’s isn’t, but this one is from my love, like hers was from her love. 

My mother had such stories about her family before that terrible thing she didn’t talk about. They were so happy together! She said her love was handsome and sweet and clever and kind and compassionate and just amazing, and her mother-in-law (her real mother) was intelligent and caring and kind and wonderful, and her best friend was brilliant and funny and kind and clever, and she loved them all to pieces. Like she loved my sister and me to pieces. I want to have stories for my children someday--especially my daughters! I want daughters so badly. I’ll have my own daughters someday and I can tell them stories about my family and friends when I was younger. 

Oh, what will I name them? I want to name them something pretty, like…oh, I don’t know,  Rosamond, or Cassandra, or Adilene, or…or Cecily, that’s a lovely name. I know Kurloz wants a son, and if half of babies are girls and half are boys we’ll only need to have two or three, maybe four, for us both to have what we want. 

Not that I won’t be delighted to have sons! I want to tell my sons theses stories too, and teach them all the things my mother taught me. I’ll teach my daughters to read and write and shoot and stand up for themselves, and my sons to cook and sew and weave and be compassionate. My children are going to be cared for, and loved. 

 

21 December 1638

I finally found the perfect gifts today, for Nepeta and for Kurloz (that’s all I can afford, and my other friends understand). For Nepeta, I found a pattern and the supplies to sew a stuffed cat. For Kurloz, I picked a new Bible, the new King James version. It’s just in beautiful ink and there’s gold on the edges of the pages, and if you fan the pages it’s a beautiful painting of Adam and Eve. It’s going to be a perfect gift!

I’m excited for Christmas. I can’t wait to see my loved one’s reactions! I hope they like the presents as much as I think they will. 

 

25 December 1638

Nepeta and I cooked our Christmas feast today, like we used to do with Mama. We saved up as much as we could and we had the money and ingredients to make a roast and Yorkshire pudding and the green beans with the nuts and a few of the other best dishes our mama used to make for us. It was just the two of us, but it felt warm and safe and I love her and she loves me, and it just felt wonderful. 

I gave her her present, and she loved it. She jumped up and grinned huge, which she hardly ever does, and kissed me on the cheek, and said it was the best present ever. And then she gave me her present for me, a French mystery novel I’m going to love. I was so happy I could’ve cried. 

It was such a good day. I won’t see Kurloz and get to give him my present until the twenty-seventh. I’m very excited for it! But for now, I’m going to enjoy the holiday with my sister, my little family. 

I love her so much. I always will. 

 

27 December 1638

I saw Kurloz today! He came for lunch, but this time he cooked for me (clumsy as he can be with cooking) and then I gave him his gift, and he ginned huge and hugged me tight, and then he kissed me hard. “Meulin, I could not ask for a better gift. I have something for you, too.”

“Oh?” 

“Yes,” he said, and he handed me a little wrapped box. 

I unwrapped it, and it was the most beautiful pair of diamond earrings I’ve ever seen. 

“Kurloz, these must cost a fortune.” 

“Don’t worry about money,” he said. “I don’t have to. And once we’re married, we’ll never have to worry about money.” 

“I can’t help it,” I said. “We never had enough money after Nepeta and I left our birth parents.”

He blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

“What do you mean, what?” 

“Left your birth parents?”

“Oh…Kurloz, I’m sorry. I…I’ve never talked about it much. I guess I never mentioned it to any of our friends, really, and Nepeta and I look just like Mama. Um. My birth parents are the Leijon nobles, but they treated Nepeta and me…they weren’t really good to us. They starved us. So when I ran away when I was eleven, and then a month later, after Mama found me and fixed me up--I got really sick because I had no food or water or place to sleep--I went back for Nepeta. Our birth parents think we’re dead.”

“Aren’t your birth parents worried? They’re your blood!”

“But they almost killed Kitty and me. They lost their right to be called our birth parents. Mama…she raised us and she loved us. She took care of us.”

He looked uncomfortable. “But they’re your blood.”

“So’s your father. Are you like him?” 

He went a little pink, then said, “I hope not.”

“My blood parents were not kind people. I know it’s unconventional, but it was right for Nepeta and me to leave. I know it.” 

He nodded. “I understand. They shouldn’t have let you go hungry.” 

“Yes,” I said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. It’s just that Mama meant so much to me--she’s just my mother. I never thought to mention my blood parents.” 

“It’s quite alright,” he said. “That…that’s quite a lot to go through. Thank you for telling me.” 

“You’re welcome,” I said. “Anyways, we never had much money, so I can’t help but worry about it.” 

“I understand,” he said. “Well, that’s one thing you’ll never have to worry about once we’re married. I’ll take care of you.” His voice was soft and kind. 

“I know,” I said with a smile. I put the earrings on and said, “Do you like them?”

“They are beautiful, but not nearly as beautiful as you are.” 

I blushed and he kissed me, and then I kissed him until my lips hurt. 

 

31 December 1638

Tomorrow begins 1639! I’m excited to start a new year. Another year with my dear and my sister, and another year to see what this world has to offer. There’s just so much out there! So many people to meet, so much more of the woods to explore, so much of my mother’s and grandmother’s notes to study, so many more books to read…I don’t understand how anyone couldn’t want to seize all this world’s possibilities! 


	5. It All Falls Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meulin's friends create and collapse a very unstable pyramid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! My summer research project has been sucking down my brainpower, but I now know a lot about regions of H-alpha emission in M31 if anyone wants to ask. (Really, feel free to ask!) Updates might get a bit sporadic as I start my senior year and my big capstone project, but I will keep writing. Thanks for sticking with me!

1 January 1339

Happy New Year! I’m so excited for this year. There’s just so much to do! I know my mama used to worry I’d end up hurting myself one of these days, being so excited like I am, but it hasn’t let me down yet! 

I heard my mama fretting sometimes to Horuss’s father that Kitty and me would inherit her melancholy somehow. I don’t think I have! The world is bright and open to me. I know there are things I can’t do, things I wish I could do (my mother’s stories of the one time she saw the university always held my attention), but there’s so much more that I can do! And I have my family and my friends with me, to be there for me and so I can be there for them. 

A whole new year! I can’t wait. 

 

4 January 1639

Horuss was by again today, like he is. He’ll come about once a week for lunch. Only today Kurloz came by, too. I hoped they’d get along, but I suppose not. They never speak much in the village and I assumed it was because they just didn’t know each other, or because they’re both quiet people, generally. I suppose I’ll have to build this bridge now. 

I opened the door for Kurloz and went up on tiptoe to kiss him, because he’s so tall, and said, “Come in! Horuss is over today too. You two can catch up while I cook!”

“Horuss Zahhak?”

“Of course. I left you tea on the table, black with milk like you like.” 

“What’s he doing here?” I know Kurloz can get jealous sometimes, but there’s no cause with Horuss. Or anyone, really, because I love Kurloz, but especially Horuss. 

“He comes by sometimes to make sure Nepeta and me are alright. His brother and my sister are best friends.” 

“Oh,” he said. “Alright.” 

“He’s a bit quiet, but I’m sure there’s something for you to talk about,” I said, and then I went to the kitchen to finish my stew. 

They didn’t seem to talk much, and so when I brought out the stew I tried to carry the conversation, but they were staring daggers at each other for the whole meal. 

Well, I haven’t had a new challenge in a while. It’s high time! I’ll get them to be friends. They have things in common, and they’re both important to me, and so they best learn to get along! I’ll talk with Kurloz when I see him next, and Horuss next week. 

 

7 January 1638

I did talk with Kurloz today about Horuss. 

“There’s no cause to distrust him. His father was friends with my mother, and his brother and my sister are best friends. He just makes sure we’re not dying. He’s a friend.”

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry. I know it’s absurd. I just love you so much, and I worry.”

“What’s there to worry about?”

“You’re just so amazing,” he said. “I know I have money and power, but you’re amazing. I know you love me. I just worry.”

“It’s alright, then, my dear,” I said. “I love you. Horuss is just a friend.”

“Alright,” he said. “I trust you. I don’t think he likes me much, either.”

“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding. I’ll talk to him and clear it right up!” 

“That sounds nice,” he said. “I’ll be his friend, for your sake, my darling.” 

I couldn’t help but smile. He’s so sweet! I’m glad I can work this out. 

 

10 January 1639

Horuss was by today, even though it was snowing, and had tea. 

“Horuss, why don’t you get along with Kurloz?” 

“He…” He frowned. “I disagree with his religion.”

“Well, so do I, and I love him. You can’t only like people who agree with you on matters like religion! I’m sure I disagree with you quite strongly on some points.”

“Oh?”

“I believe it’s alright to sleep with someone if you’re not trying to have a baby.” 

He went quite red and said, “I don’t know how you can believe that.” 

“And I don’t know how you can’t. You’re seeing Rufioh!”

“We’re not…not…” He went tomato-red and did not continue. “Are you?”

I went just as red and said, “No! We’re not married!” 

“I thought it was alright?”

“It’s alright, if I wanted to. I just don’t want to. I want to wait until we’re married.” 

“And if he was a woman?”

“Then it would be different,” I defended myself. 

“Well…I suppose,” he said, reluctantly. 

“Will you at least try to be friendly with him?” I asked. “I love him. He’s going to be in my life. And you’re one of my best friends. I can’t lose either of you, so I need you two to get along.” 

“In that case,” he said. “I will try. For you.”

“Thank you,” I said sincerely, and I hugged him tight. He smiled against my cheek and hugged me back. I know I’m a little odd, but I have my friends, and as long as I have them, I’ll be fine. 

 

15 January 1639

I almost wrote 1638 in the date today! Silly me. 

I have a bad feeling about this unstable triangle Rufioh’s created. It can’t last much longer before it all comes crashing down and someone gets hurt. Someone--Damara. Rufioh will be just fine, carrying on like nothing’s wrong like he does. Horuss will be hurt, and perhaps is reputation will take a hit, but he’ll live. Damara’s going to find out the man she’s been counting on to propose to her is lying and unfaithful, and it’s going to hurt her so badly. 

I’ve done all I can. Now Rufioh needs to do the right thing. 

 

19 January 1639

Nepeta asked me today if she could practice telling Karkat how she felt about him to me, like how we used to play pretend. I said of course, and it was so sweet. 

“Alright. Um. Karkat…I think you’re very handsome and clever and kind even if you don’t act like it and I’d like to start seeing you if that’s alright.” 

“That’s very good, Nepeta!”

“No, you have to respond like him!”

“Then let’s practice a few reactions. What do you think he might say?” 

“Um…well…he could say yes! Or he might say no, but…nicely. Or he might say no but mean. Or he might not understand me at all!”

“We can practice all of those. So, I’m Karkat.” I put on a silly voice. “Hi, Nepeta. I shout a lot and curse so much my brother shouts at me.” 

She giggled and said, “No, be serious!”

“Alright, alright. Then…” I thought for a moment, then said. “Um, yeah, Nepeta, I feel the same way about you.”

“Then I take his hand and ask him to go for a walk in the woods with me!” she said, practically bouncing out of her chair. 

“Perfect,” I said. “Now…Um, you see me all the time, Nepeta? I’m not invisible!”

“No, silly! I mean, like my sister and Kurloz, or Latula and Mituna. Like that.” 

“Oh! Um…yes. I’d like that,” I said. “Great, Nepeta.”

“Can we practice if he says no?” she asked. 

“Of course,” I said. “It’ll be easier if you’ve practiced, if he does say no.” 

“Alright. I’m ready,” she said. 

“I’m sorry, Nepeta, but I don’t feel that way about you.”

Her face went flat like it does when she’s hurt, and she said, “That’s alright. Um…goodbye.” She paused, then said, “Was that alright?”

“Yes, of course,” I said. “Feel free to just leave. And you can come find me and we’ll go home and make tea and talk about how stupid boys are.” 

“Alright,” she said. “Um. Can you practice being mean?”

“I’ll try,” I said. “Um. Nepeta, you’re so dumb! I don’t like you at all!”

Her face went flat again and she was shaking terribly, and she burst out, “You’re mean and awful and I’m glad you don’t like me because I’d never want to be with someone like you!”

“Perfect, Kitty,” I said. “Absolutely perfect.” 

“Huh?”

“Anyone who treats you like that isn’t good enough for you, not by half. You deserve someone kind and compassionate.” 

“Yeah,” she said. “But I don’t think he’ll be like that.” 

“I’m sure he won’t be,” I said. “For all he shouts, I don’t think he’s like his brother.” 

“Mama said Kankri and Karkat look like her husband. She said they’re probably related,” Nepeta said offhandedly. 

I almost laughed. “How could those two be related to someone like Mama’s husband? He was…he wasn’t irritating and self-centered, or loud and rude.” 

“I think Karkat is like Mama’s husband,” Nepeta said defensively. “He’s kind, really, and he wants things to be better for us, and he’s willing to work hard for it. And he’s a good leader!” 

“Well, alright,” I said. “But Kankri’s nothing like Mama’s husband.” 

“Not at all,” Nepeta agreed. 

I hope this goes well for her. I can tell he doesn’t like her, but if he’s cruel when he tells her no I’ll have to find him and have words with him. No one should be allowed to treat my sister like that, especially not some oddball loudmouth with no sense of manners! 

 

22 January 1638

The snow makes it harder than ever to hunt. It crunches underfoot and makes me easier for the animals to spot. But it makes them easier to see, too. I’ve been doing alright, and we’re not hungry, so I think I’m managing. 

I hope so, anyways.  

 

25 January 1638

Nepeta did it today! She told Karkat she liked him, and…and like I thought, he turned her down. He said he didn’t love her. 

So she ran home to me and she burst into tears. She cried…different from when Mama died. She curled up in her favorite chair with her stuffed cat and cried quietly, her face hidden in its fur. 

“Nepeta?” 

“Leave me alone.” 

“Can you talk to me a little?” 

“No! Leave me alone!” 

She turned away from me and hid her face in her cat again. 

“Alright,” I said. “I’m right here if you want to talk.” 

She kept crying, so I left her alone for the time being. She should talk about it, I think, because I think it would…help her, at least a little. I think this is going to hurt her a lot, but…I think she’ll get better, with time. 

Well, she’s too good for him, anyways. She deserves someone who loves her with all their heart, and someone who knows how to be soft and gentle. Not the loudest, rudest young man I’ve ever met. And she deserves someone who makes an effort with her, someone who tries to woo her with flowers and smiles. I know she liked him, but I think there are better people for her. 

Or perhaps I’m just saying these things for her. I do want her to be with someone she likes. If she likes him, who am I to stand in the way of that? 

 

29 January 1639

I’m sick to death of books written by men. The women in their stories have no desires or plans of their own. They might as well be trophies for the men who are heroes! Don’t they understand what we do when they’re not looking? Who do they think bears their children? Who ensures those children and the women bearing them survive? Who plants the gardens, keeps the house, defends the home when they’re off having grand adventures? 

I want to write a story about a woman who leaves her home to have her own grand adventure with her friends, leaving their husbands to keep the village working. It would be about the women, with a few chapters to be funny in the midst of the drama about the men at home stumbling all over themselves to care for their children and cook and clean and all that. 

I sound so vindictive! I suppose I’m just fed up. I’m glad my fiancé (my fiancé!) isn’t like that. We talked about it, and while he does have responsibilities I can’t take on (being the eldest blood son of the duke), we’re going to share as much of the work of homemaking as possible. 

Although I think he has servants and such to do work for him, and for me. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I know that I will raise my own children. I will love and care for them all on my own, like my mama did for me. 

 

1 February 1639

Kurloz was over today, so I thought I’d ask him about that. 

“My dear?”

“Yes?” 

“When we’re married…who exactly keeps house?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, when we’re married, I’d normally expect to keep my own house, like I have here. But you live in a castle, with servants! I will be raising my own children--I won’t compromise on that--but who exactly is in charge of the cooking and cleaning and all that?” 

“The servants, of course,” he said. “My father’s wife’s duties are, like my father’s, largely political. Important celebrations, charity work, correspondence with other nobles, all that. I’ll also have duties in Parliament, of course, but I shouldn’t be away for too long at a time.” 

“Alright,” I said. “Alright. I’m sorry, we should have talked about this before.”

“No, I should have mentioned it,” he said. 

“I am going to raise our children,” I said. “I’m sure I’ll appreciate a nurse’s help, but I will be raising our children.” 

“Yes,” he said, with a little wistful smile. “I would like to be part of that.” 

“Of course,” I said. “I love you. I want to raise children with you.” 

“Then I’m sure this will all turn out perfectly.” 

I smiled back and, after lunch, we kissed for a very long time. 

 

6 February 1639

Horuss was by for lunch today to fuss, like he does. 

“Are you sure you have enough?” 

“Yes, Horuss.”

“You’re both eating well? Vegetables and meats?” 

“Yes!”

“You have money for fabric and lard and shoes and milk and such?” 

“My goodness, yes! I’m not incompetent, you know.” 

“I don’t imagine you are.”

“Then why do you interrogate me like this every time you visit?”

“I worry about you, Meulin. You worry to me quite often about money and about affording things. I simply wish to make sure you and your sister are alright.” 

“Thanks,” I said. “I appreciate it. I’m sorry, it’s not fair for me to take out my worries on you.” 

He nodded. “I understand. But I am not your parent, and do not wish to act like one.” 

“Thanks,” I said. “What about you and Kurloz? How are you getting on?” 

“Better than before,” he said. “We have been talking some about some novels we both enjoy, and some poetry by Mr. Shakespeare.”

“Oh, wonderful!” I said. “I love his plays.” 

“I am not so sure about the plays.”

“How come?”

“Well, many believe that God does not approve of such frivolity.” 

“Well, that’s just too bad,” I said. “I enjoy the theater, and his plays are wonderfully constructed, purely for his use of language. Oh, never mind, that isn’t what I wanted to talk about! I’m glad you and Kurloz are getting along better.” 

“Yes,” he said. “Me as well.” 

“You are both very important to me,” I said. “I’m glad you can be friends.” 

“He can be a little stiff in manner.”

“So can you,” I said gently. 

He smiled, as soft as I’ve ever seen him, and hugged me before he left, which he doesn’t do very often. It felt nice; he’s one of my best friends, and it felt very safe to hug him. 

I’m glad I have the friends I do. They love me, and I love them, and it’s just wonderful to have people around who I love and who love me. It means I’m safe, and if I fall--if I don’t have the money for lard and fabric, or I’m not eating--they’re going to be there for me. If something terrible happened to me and I couldn’t feed Nepeta, they’d help me take care of her. 

My mama’s family helped her when she was hurting, and she helped them. I’m going to have family like hers. 

 

10 February 1639

Porrim and Latula came over today for tea. I’ve had a fair bit of work to do lately, so it was nice to sit down for a moment. We gossiped some about the new people in town, the families who came here a few years ago (not so new anymore, but newer than anyone else). Porrim says her sister’s taken a liking to one of the young ladies, and Latula’s sister to one of the young men. They seem like decent people, so none of us object, really, but of course we, as older sisters, must worry about those our younger sisters set their hearts on. 

We also talked about our own lives, naturally. Porrim and Latula know I’m properly engaged now, and they think my dear is just darling for getting me the ring. I do too! It was a sweet gesture and it’s a comfort to look at the ring and remember. 

Latula talked about her married life with Mituna. She thanked Porrim for her little trick, and said that the two of them might wait a little bit to have children because they want to have a little money saved up first. Of course! I’m just glad they’re so happy together. 

Porrim still thinks settling down and marrying is overrated. I disagree, but that’s her life and I’m living mine. We have different ways of being happy, and I’m of the opinion that above all else, as friends, we ought to support each other’s happiness. 

I tried to talk to Nepeta again today at dinner, and she still won’t talk much about Karkat. I hope she does, soon. 

 

15 February 1639

Nepeta finally talked to me some today. 

“He wasn’t mean, Meulin. You don’t have to shout at him.”

“Alright, Kitty.” 

“I’m just sad. He said no!”

“Oh, Nepeta…it’s alright to be sad. It’s perfectly alright. It hurts a lot when someone turns you down.” 

“You don’t know, you have Kurloz.” 

“I do, but you remember Paul. He said no when I told him I liked him.” 

“Oh.” 

“It hurts a lot, and that’s perfectly alright. Oh, Kitty…I’m so sorry. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.”

“Not much,” she said crossly. “I’m different. He knows it. Everyone does!”

“So what if you’re different? You’re still an amazing person. You’re good at most everything you try and you’re brilliant and creative and kind, and you’re very pretty, too. If he doesn’t like you because you’re different, he doesn’t deserve you.”

“But I want him to!” she said. “I still like him!”

“It’ll fade, Kitty.” 

“I don’t want it to. Maybe he’ll change his mind!”

“Or maybe he won’t,” I said gently. “Sometimes you need to let these things go.” 

“Easy for you to say. You’re engaged.” 

“That’s not fair,” I said. 

“Yes it is,” she said. “You have someone who likes you back.” 

“And you will too, someday, if that’s what you want,” I said. “But it might not be Karkat. It could be someone else. You just need to keep your eyes open.” 

“Fine,” she said. “But I’m going to keep liking him.” 

“Fair enough,” I said. “Just…please don’t let him hurt you.” 

“I’ll try,” she said with a little smile. 

She’ll be alright. She will be. 

 

18 February 1639

I wish I could talk to my mama about this. I’m worried about my responsibilities in the castle. My whole life I’ve been common, keeping house and caring for my sister and being the midwife. But if I’m in the castle, all my responsibilities become political and I’m not sure I can the midwife anymore. I certainly won’t be cooking and all that!

It’s just something I didn’t think much about until we discussed it. I love him, there’s no question of that, and I want to marry him. I’m just not sure what to think about this new dimension to it all. I’m a normal person. There’s nothing special or noble about me. I wasn’t raised for this life, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it. I believe, like my mother did, that there’s nothing inherently special about the nobles, and even if there was I am of that blood, but upbringing counts for something, and I was brought up common. 

At least our children will be brought up knowing what their lives are to be. And they’ll have a proper education! The education Mama gave Nepeta and me was wonderful in many ways, but it will never be the kind of education I can write down or have a degree from. I learned so much, but none of it in a school. My children will have that benefit. 

I’m so excited to hold my little one in my arms. I know it will be hard to be pregnant and give birth--no one knows better than the midwife--but having a baby! I think that will be the most joyful day of my life, when I am allowed to hold my beautiful baby in my arms. 

I won’t tell anyone, but I hope it’s a little girl. 

 

23 February 1639

I know sometimes with births someone…someone doesn’t make it, but it’s so hard whenever it happens. Today the little boy didn’t make it. The mother, Elizabeth, managed, but her little baby did not. His little fingers and toes were blue when he was born; he couldn’t breathe in this world. 

Nepeta could tell. She can always tell when it doesn’t go well, because I know I’m much quieter than normal. She touched my arm and said, “You’re not a bad midwife.”

“Thank you, Kitty.” 

She sent Button to cuddle with me after supper, too, which helped. I’m glad we have a cat, because it means we have someone else besides just each other. Even just a cat. 

 

28 February 1639

Damara was over today, and she’s noticed Rufioh’s odd behavior. It’s only a matter of time before this entire mess explodes, and I hope at least Damara comes out as unharmed as she possibly can. 

I didn’t say anything to her, because I will not be the one to hurt her, but it’s making me nervous. She’s going to get hurt, and I just hope I can help her. I’ll be there for her when it does happen, if I can’t make Rufioh do the right thing. 

I’ll give him one more chance. 

 

3 March 1639

I talked to Rufioh again today, telling him to pull his act together and be honest with Damara and Horuss, and he shifted foot to foot and said, “Why should I?”

“What on Earth do you mean?” 

“Why shouldn’t I just…keep going?”

“Because it’s dishonest and it’s going to fall apart and end up hurting someone.” 

“But it’s been working for this long.” 

“You just don’t understand what you’re doing wrong, do you?” I asked. 

He looked guilty, but said, “You have no right to interfere in my love life.” 

I sighed and said, “Alright, fine. Clearly you’re only going to learn your lesson when it all goes wrong. Don’t come crying to me when that happens.” 

“I won’t,” he said. “Because it won’t.”

I rolled my eyes and left, because he clearly does not know what he’s doing. He’ll suffer the consequences before long. 

I’m glad my darling is kind and honest. I’m never going to have to deal with this nonsense. 

 

8 March 1639

It happened today. Damara came to my home in tears and said, “He’s been lying to me?”

“Damara?”

“Rufioh! He was lying to me! He was seeing Horuss behind my back this entire time! He doesn’t love me--he never did!” She burst into tears and threw herself into a chair, folding her arms on the table to cry into. 

“Damara, I’m so sorry,” I said. “He…that’s an awful thing to do. I’m so sorry. Tea?”

She nodded. 

“He’s such a bastard!” she sobbed. “How could he do that to me? He said he loved me! He said he was going to marry me!” 

“Oh, Damara…” I said. “Hey, do you want me to get Porrim and Latula? We’ll all hate him together if you like.” 

“Could you?” she asks. “I couldn’t stand to be in the village anymore.” 

“Of course,” I said. “Just sip your tea and take some deep breaths. I can mix something up for your nerves if you like.” 

“No thanks,” she said. “I think I just need the tea.” 

“Alright, I’ll be back as quick as possible,” I said. 

I ran into the village and found my friends; Latula doing laundry in her home and singing to herself, and Porrim cooking away for her elderly aunt who’s been staying with them. I told them Damara needed us and to come to my house, and so the three of us made it back to my home and we all sat around the table with Damara. 

“He’s rotten,” Porrim said. “Absolutely rotten. No one should treat you like that. You’re amazing, Dam. Anyone’d be lucky to have you.” 

“Yeah,” Latula said. “You had every right to leave him behind. You…you did leave him behind, right?”

“Mm-hmm,” Damara said. “I…I can’t believe he’d do that to me.” 

“Rotten to the core,” Porrim repeated. 

“He was so good, though,” Damara said. “He was so kind and sweet, and he gave me the most beautiful necklace when he said he wanted to marry me…” 

“I’m sure he meant well,” I said. “He mustn’t have meant any harm. Doesn’t excuse that he hurt you, of course.” 

“I thought this was going to work!” she moaned. “What am I going to do?” 

“Weave,” Porrim offered. 

“Do laundry,” Latula said. 

“Sew,” I suggested. “You have choices, Damara. No reason to force yourself to marry him--or anyone--if he’s being terrible to you.” 

“It just hurts,” she said. 

“Of course it does,” I said, taking her hand. “But you’re worth more than that.”

“Men never know what they have,” Porrim said. “You deserve much better.” 

“The right person will make you really happy,” Latula said. “You won’t even know what hit you. You’ll just be happy.” 

“I was happy,” Damara said. “I was so happy!”

“Were you?” Porrim asked. “Or did you just get used to having him?”

“I don’t know,” Damara said miserably. “Does it matter?”

“I think so,” Porrim said. I nudged her, because I didn’t think this would help Damara much, not when it was so fresh and painful. 

“Cry all you need to,” I said. “It’s alright.” 

She did start crying again, and so we sat with her until she felt better. 

“Want to stay with me tonight?” I asked. “We have an extra room.” Well, we sort of do. It’s my mama’s old room. 

“No, thank you,” she said. “I…I’ll be alright. I’ll go home and…and talk to my mother, and my sister. I’ll manage.” 

“You’ll be wonderful,” I said. 

“You don’t need him,” Porrim said. 

“You’ll find someone,” Latula said. 

“We’ll walk you home,” Porrim said, taking Damara’s arm gently. “Thanks for the tea, Meulin.”

“Of course, any time,” I said. “Feel free to stop by any time, Damara.”

“Thank you,” she said, and the three of them left for the village. 

I hope she feels better. I knew this would go horribly wrong, and I’m of the opinion that Rufioh deserved it. It won’t last between him and Horuss, anyone could tell. They’ll fade out before long. 

 

13 March 1639

Horuss was over for lunch today and I could tell her felt guilty. 

“I’m sure you heard about Damara,” I said, and even I could hear the resentment in my voice. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. 

“You’re sorry?” I asked skeptically. 

“It was wrong of me to continue to see Rufioh when I knew he was seeing Damara. I…I understand she is hurting a good deal right now.” 

“You’re not kidding,” I said. 

“I’m sorry,” he said again. 

“I’m not the one you ought to apologize to,” I said. 

“You seem upset with me.” 

“Well, I am, somewhat. But I’m not the one you need to apologize to. Really, Rufioh ought to be apologizing, but that’s not going to happen, certainly.”

“I can ask him to.” 

“It’s worth a try,” I said. “But I think you ought to apologize to her, too. You knew what you were doing.”

“I know,” I said. “Can you forgive me?” 

I felt a little softer for him asking and said, “Yes, I can. Whether or not she can is another matter. But you’re my best friend, and I don’t think you meant to hurt anyone, so…I’m not angry.” 

“Thank you,” he said, sounding relieved. 

I nodded. “Of course. Would you like some tea?”

“Allow me,” he said. He does feel awfully responsible to Nepeta and me, and part of that is apparently offering to make tea every time I offer him. He’s not even much older than me--hardly even a year! But his father was friends with my mother, and we are orphans, so I suppose it makes sense. 

I don’t mind. It’s nice to know someone worries about us, even when we’re alright. 

 

16 March 1639

Kurloz was by today for supper, which he isn’t often, but is nice. Nepeta says she likes him, and I like it when they get along! They’re two of the most important people to me, so I’d like them to get along. He has a way with her, even though she’s different in ways not many people understand. He’s very kind, really, even though sometimes he has a bit of a temper. Well, who doesn’t? I’ve been losing my temper with Rufioh lately. 

Anyways, the food was good if I do say so myself and it was lovely to talk with my darling and my sister, and it was a nice evening. 

 

20 March 1639

Kurloz was by for lunch today like he does, and so we talked about not much but also about our future. 

“When does your sister turn eighteen?” 

“In forty-one.” 

“Two and a half years?”

“Yes.” 

“And you can’t marry before then?”

“No.” 

“No way?”

“Absolutely not. If she tries to get married before then, I won’t let her. She’ll be too young to know for sure. And I won’t marry until she’s old enough to be on her own.” 

“Alright,” he said. 

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know it’s hard for you to wait. But I can’t leave her.” 

“I know,” he said. “It’s just that my father has been finding young women for me to talk to, trying to catch my fancy. If we could marry, he might stop.” 

“Can’t you tell him we’re engaged?” 

“I’m still trying to persuade him I can marry a common woman.” 

“You’ve got yourself a bit of quandary there!”

“Yes, I do,” he agreed with a wry smile. “I am trying, I promise. And I promise you I will keep loving you. It’s just hard to wait.” 

“I love you too,” I said. “And I don’t want to wait, either. But I have to.” 

He nodded, and sipped his tea. 

It’s true--I don’t want to wait. I want to marry him right now and have a wonderful wedding night and have children together, and have a new life with him. I’m not sure what it’ll be like, having all those new responsibilities, but I think it might be fun! It will certainly be a new adventure, and I’m always ready for that! I’m sure I’ll find time to continue my midwife work, because that means more to me than anything, but I’ll have all sorts of new jobs. 

I do want to have a wedding night with him, too. When we kiss these days, there’s this lovely shiver all up and down my spine, and my heart beats faster, and I feel this heat in my stomach somewhere. I want him! But we’re not married, and I want to be married. Partially so there’s no risk of being pregnant when I’m not married, and partially because I want it to be special. My mama told me when she told me about this that it’s alright if you’re not married, but it was always my choice. I want my wedding night to be special, so I’m going to wait. 

I think my mama felt the same way, but to be honest, I never asked her. It never felt like quite the right moment to ask her about her love life. 

I could read her journals and find out, I suppose, but I said I wouldn’t and I won’t. I won’t. 

 

25 March 1639

Nepeta finished the most beautiful needlepoint today, of a flower garden. It was absolutely gorgeous! I put it up on the wall with her others. You can tell by looking how much better she’s gotten over the years. She wasn’t bad when she started, but she’s even better now. Sometimes for my birthday she’ll embroider one of my skirts for me, and it’s always beautiful. By now all of my skirts are decorated with lovely floral patterns I love! We must have the prettiest clothes of anyone in the village, thanks to her. 

 

29 March 1639

Kurloz and I were kissing today and we were lying on the couch, him on top of me, when he ran a hand down my hair and to my chest. 

I gasped aloud and pushed his hand away. “Kurloz!”

“Oh--I’m sorry. I thought it would feel nice.”

“I--we’re not married!” 

“No, we’re not, but this isn’t--it’s just touching. I’m sorry.” 

“No, no, it’s alright,” I said. And it was. It felt lovely once I got over the shock. “Um…you can…keep touching me there. It’s alright.”

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes,” I said, feeling sure of myself for once. 

“Alright,” he said, and he kissed me again and he kept touching me, and it just felt…wonderful. I’m glad Nepeta wasn’t home to hear me, because she is fifteen and old enough to know about this sort of thing, but this is my private life! Mine and his and no one else’s. 

I’m glad we have it.


	6. Mama's Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meulin explores deeper into the mysteries her mother left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My last chapter before school starts! A fun fact: Meulin's nickname for Nepeta ("Kitty") is based on my own nickname for my little sister. Thanks for reading and, as always, I live for comments.

2 April 1639

Kurloz mentioned his friend Eliza again today. 

“I’m not sure I can be friends with her anymore.” 

“Why not? Did she say something awful?” 

“I can tell she still loves me. And I think it’s just a recipe for disaster.” 

“How? You promised me, and I promised you; we’re going to marry soon enough.” 

“I’m afraid she’ll try to do something to disrespect our relationship,” he said. “She keeps flirting with me, and I wish she wouldn’t, but I can’t be her friend and never talk to her at the same time. And every time we speak, she flirts!”

“You don’t need to stop talking to her on my account,” I said. “I don’t mind--I trust you.” 

“I know,” he said. “I love that about you. But I can’t keep doing it.” 

“Alright,” I said. “I understand. But if you change your mind, don’t worry about me. Be friends with whoever you like.” 

“Thank you,” he said. 

I’m sorry he feels that way. I’m glad he doesn’t feel like I’m forcing him to give up this friendship, because I don’t think he has to, but I understand it would be awfully difficult to be friends with someone who didn’t respect that I’m engaged. I probably wouldn’t be friends with someone under those circumstances, either. 

I’m glad Horuss doesn’t like me that way. He’s such a good friend, but he’s never acted like he wants something else. I don’t think he does! It’s nice. 

On the note of men I know, I saw Kankri today in the village and he went off on another lecture of his. He’s going to drive me mad one of these days. No wonder Cronus likes him--they’re the two most irritating men alive. They’d be perfect together. 

Oh, that sounds awful. They would be good together, balance each other in a lot of good ways, but they do both irritate me in their own special ways. I’m not going to push them together; they’ll have to do it all on their own. Normally I’m happy to help my friends find love, but I just have so little patience with those two. They’ll drive me mad one of these days, I just know it. 

 

5 April 1639

Latula and Porrim and Damara haven’t had as much time to spend together lately, since Latula’s married and Porrim has to take care of her aunt and I’ve had more work and Damara’s been trying to work things out. I guess, basically, we’re growing up. I’m sure the same happens to most people, but I like spending time with my friends! I don’t want to lose that to age. 

I suppose I haven’t lost it yet, really. We still spend time together and have tea, and I do invite them over when I can. Maybe it just takes more effort when you’re older. 

 

10 April 1639

Nepeta found me today after I finished hunting and work and planting in the garden. 

“Meulin, if you love Kurloz and you want to marry him, why don’t you?”

“Because I won’t until you’re old enough.” 

“I’m plenty old enough!”

“I haven’t even taught you to hunt, Kitty.” 

“You could. You could teach me to hunt while you plan your wedding.”

“Kitty, I’m not going to. I don’t want to leave you on your own before you’re ready! If you’re not, I can’t just take it back and come home again.” 

“Fine,” she said, and I could tell she was irate with me. 

“I don’t mean to treat you like a child--you’re not,” I said. “But I wasn’t ready when Mama passed, even though I thought I was.” 

“Alright,” she conceded. “But will you teach me to hunt?”

“When you’re sixteen,” I said. 

She smiled and poked me. “You’re silly.” 

“So are you, Kitty.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.” 

 

13 April 1639

Kurloz, sweetheart that he is, brought over some of the herbs I have trouble finding in the village today. There’s just some that can really help but I must use sparingly because they’re hard to find. I tried to pay him, but he insisted they were a gift. He said he knows my work is hard a lot of the time, and the least he could do was help a little. 

It’s very sweet of him. He knows that I have a lot to do, all the time, and it’s so kind of him to help out when he can. And it’s sweet when he surprised me like this! Sometimes I worry because I know these things he likes to give me are expensive, but he does have a lot of money, even if much of it is from having servants and such. 

Once we’re married, I’ll have the kind of power I’d need to set about changing these things, the way my mama and her family tried to. I’ll make changes so the money doesn’t come out of some poor farmer’s pockets. If that means less, so be it. I’ve had less all my life and I’m just fine. My children won’t need all that wealth to be happy; I don’t think giving up some of that will make them any less joyful. 

I’m sure the old duke will object to it, but I don’t care. He’ll be old and it won’t be his responsibility. He can rail all he wants, but the fact is he’s old and his beliefs are hurting people. With a new generation comes new ideas, and my ideas will hurt fewer people, and that ought to be everyone’s goal. It’s certainly mine and my darling’s! 

 

17 April 1639

The forget-me-nots are starting to grow back in the clearing. They grow on their own, without Nepeta’s or my help, but it’s still a relief when they begin to grow back in the spring. As long as the forget-me-nots grow in the clearing, I think my mother and her old family will be remembered. Considering the good they did, I hope so. 

Eight years ago yesterday, Mama found me in the alley. I’m so glad she did. If she hadn’t, we both would’ve died. 

 

21 April 1639

Horuss was by for lunch today, and I could tell he was worried again. 

“Is it your father?” I guessed. 

“What?”

“You seem tired. Is it your father’s health again?”

He nodded. 

“Let me come by and try a few things.”

“We can afford to see a physician.”

“I know. But I know a few things a physician might not. Let me try, at least. If I can help at all, wouldn’t it be better for your father? Even if I can’t, it won’t do any harm.” 

His shoulders dropped, and he nodded. “Alright. Can you come visit in a few days?” 

“A few days?” 

“The physician is coming in two days. If he does suddenly recover, I would not want you to make the trip for nothing, when there are many who need your help and much work for you to do otherwise.” 

“I appreciate it,” I said. “In the meanwhile, can you tell me his symptoms? What’s wrong with him?”

“Well,” Horuss said. “He has a fever. Low, but persistent. A cough, and he says he has an awful headache. He seems tired. And his eyes are bloodshot.”

“Alright,” I said, already thinking through what I might mix up. “Well, before I arrive, make him tea with lemon and honey. It’ll help with the cough.” 

He nodded. “Thank you, Meulin.” 

“Of course. It’s my work.” 

“I appreciate it nonetheless,” he said. 

I smiled. “Well, I’ll see you then. I need to tend the garden.” 

I suspect influenza, and I do have remedies for that. Well, remedies--treatments, really. It’s hard to treat disease, really, since we’re not sure what causes it! My mother has books from far-off places that say disease is caused by tiny particles in someone’s body, too small to see. It sounds correct, but we don’t know how those cause diseases. I can’t cure something whose causation is a complete mystery, not really. 

But I can make them comfortable and manage the symptoms, and that helps a lot. Herbs that open someone’s chest can save their life, or herbs that stop or cause vomiting. I hope I can help Horuss’s father; he’s my friend. 

 

25 April 1639

I went to Horuss’s home today with all my herbs and mixes, and when I arrived he opened the door and said, “The physician didn’t help much. I hope you can.” 

“I’ll do my very best.” I went into his father’s room and said, “Mr. Zahhak, I’m Meulin Leijon. I’m going to help you with some medicines.” 

He coughed and said, “Dianna?” 

“No, Mr. Zahhak. I’m Meulin. Her daughter.” 

“Dianna, you’ve returned!”

“Mr. Zahhak, I’m not Dianna. She was my mother. She passed two years ago.” Almost to the day. “I’m going to treat you.”

He nodded vaguely, but he kept talking to me like I was my mother. I didn’t try to stop him because I know sometimes, with people who have fevers, it’s easy to be confused, and it’s useless to correct them until they’re better. 

“Dianna, I am sorry, you must believe me…I should not have killed him.” 

“What?” I said, aloud. 

“Please,” he said. “I know I have told you before, but if you are back…I am sorry to have killed him. I know you loved him, and it hurt you…I am so sorry.” 

I kept mashing the herbs I’d selected (I had to give him a few different ones in different mixes, and then leave some behind for taking later), but said, “Mr. Zahhak, I am not Dianna. You don’t need to apologize to me.” 

“Why are you calling me Mr. Zahhak? I do not call you Miss Leijon.”

I choked on air. “I’m sorry?”

“We are friends, correct?” he said, sounding desperate. “We do not need to be so formal.”

“What did you call me?”

“Miss Leijon?” he said. “Oh, I’m sorry. Mrs. Vantas. Please forgive me; my mind is going.” 

I didn’t say anything to that, because I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t know that was my mother’s maiden name. It’s not a common last name; only the nobles in the area have it. How could she have had that name? And all that about killing her love? How could my mother have been friends with someone who killed her husband when she loved him so much? 

“Take some of this,” I said. 

“Thank you,” he said. “Dianna…I know we will never be friends as we once were, but please…I am so sorry.” 

I wanted him to feel better, so I said, “It’s quite alright.” 

“Thank you,” he said. 

“Some of this, too,” I said, giving him another sort of tea. 

“If you are back…what of Luke?” 

“Luke?” 

“If you can be back, why not your family? I know you have missed them. I--your husband? Is he back? Could you bring him here?”

“He--I’m not Dianna. Nobody’s back.” Seeing him like that…I felt my heart breaking. He thought I was my mother. He thought he could make amends to me. 

“I need to tell you something. I--I lied to you. I should not have. I was frightened.” 

“You don’t need to tell me.” 

“I do. Your friend, your Simonn--he is not dead.” 

“I’m sorry?” My mama did talk about her best friend Simonn, but she said he passed away a long time ago. He has a headstone in the graveyard, for heavens’ sake. 

“He is not dead. Her Majesty has him. I could not bear for you to know the truth.” 

“It’s alright,” I said. “It’s alright.” If he didn’t know I was me, I don’t know if he’d know when it was. Simonn could be long dead by now for all I know. “Don’t worry about that anymore.” 

He nodded, looking relieved. 

“How are your daughters?” he asked. 

“I am Dianna’s daughter!” I said. “I’m Meulin.” 

“Yes, how is Meulin?” 

“I am her! I…she’s fine,” I said, giving up. “Doing well. Learning the trade…and all that.” 

“You must be teaching her well,” he said fondly. 

“She did teach me well,” I said. 

“And Nepeta?”

“She’s doing very well.” 

“Oh, that is very good to hear,” he said. “Are you all eating enough? Do you have enough money for fabric and milk and such?” I suppose I know where Horuss gets it. 

“Yes,” I said. “We have enough. Take some of this.” 

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked. 

“Feeling…better?” I asked. 

“Are you drinking your tea?”

“Um…yes,” I said. I don’t know what tea he meant. “Of course. Every day.”

“I’m glad,” he said. “Please, tell me if you ever need anything. You know I am here for you.” 

“Yes…I do,” I said. “I appreciate it.” 

“Dianna--”

“I’m not Dianna,” I said, once more, as I handed him the last medicine--the one for the fever. “I’m her daughter, Meulin.” 

“Dianna, thank you for everything,” he said. 

“Of course,” I said. “It’s my work to heal people.” 

He smiled vaguely. “You have done me a great service.” 

“Mr. Zahhak, I have to leave now. I’m going to leave behind some medicines for you to take over the next few days, and if you don’t feel better, please send for me so I can continue to treat you.” 

“I’ll see you soon, Dianna. I’m so glad you’re back.” 

“I’m not Dianna,” I said, one more time. “I’m Meulin. Feel better.”

I left and told Horuss roughly the same thing, and said, “I’m awfully tired. I’m going to go home. Come find me if he doesn’t feel better.” 

“Are you alright?” he asked. 

“I am,” I said. “This work is tiring. I’ll be back in a few days to check on him, unless you need me to come back earlier.” 

“Alright,” he said. “I will see you soon.” 

“See you.” 

I went home and now I’m puzzling over everything he told me. What is all this with Simonn? How did my mother have the maiden name Leijon, if she wasn’t my blood mother? And did Horuss’s father kill my mother’s husband? How could they be friends after that? 

I could probably find this out if I read her journals, but I can’t. And I’m not sure I can ask Mr. Zahhak once he’s coherent again. He thought I was my mama. He probably wouldn’t have told me any of that or even mentioned if if he’d known who I was. When I go back…he might not even remember saying anything. 

I suppose I’ll find out. 

 

28 April 1639

I went back today, and he was much better. 

“Mr. Zahhak, do you remember seeing me three days ago?”

“Perhaps?” he said. “I am not sure.”

“Alright,” I said. “You have had influenza. I gave you some medicines to help you. I’m back to see how you’re feeling.” 

“I was not feeling well,” he said, sounding awfully disoriented. “I had the strangest dreams.”

“That can happen with a fever,” I said. “If you’ve been having nightmares, though, I can give you something to help you sleep.” I didn’t want him to remember thinking I was my mother. 

“No, thank you,” he said. Then he made a strange face, like he was remembering something from long ago. “Has anyone told you you look remarkably like your mother?” 

“Yes,” I said. 

“She must have taught you well. I do feel much better.” 

“That’s good to hear,” I said. “I have a few more mixes for you to take, to help with your recovery. Just these two.” 

“Thank you,” he said. 

“Mr. Zahhak, can you tell me what symptoms you’re experiencing?” 

“My head aches,” he said. “I have an awful cough, and my joints hurt as well. I am tired almost constantly. I do not think I have a fever anymore, as I am no longer disoriented.” 

“That’s good,” I said. “If your fever’s down, you should be well on the way to recovery. Just send for me if you aren’t feeling better in a few days.” 

He nodded. “Tell your mother hello from me.”

“Mr. Zahhak, my mother passed away two years ago.” 

“Oh,” he said. “Oh, yes. I--I remember now. I’m sorry.” 

“If you’re having trouble with memory, I can help with that too.” 

“I have been losing my memory as of late, but I am not sure much can be done about it. Your mother was a wonderful woman. I hope you know that.”

“She was,” I agreed. “Is there anything else you need?” 

“No,” he said. “Thank you for doing the work you do.” 

“Of course,” I said. “I ought to go. Have a nice day.”

“You as well,” he said, and he waved as I left. 

If he’s anything like Horuss, he’s a truly terrible liar. So he probably does think he saw my mother in a dream, and he probably doesn’t really remember me coming to treat him. If he does, it’s in a dreamy kind of way. He doesn’t remember telling me everything he did. And I probably can’t ask him about any of it, either. He would probably panic and deny everything, say he was delirious. 

Maybe I can talk it over with Kurloz. He might know something. 

 

2 May 1639

I talked about it with Kurloz today, and he helped a little. 

“There’s just so much I don’t know. What’s all this with Simonn, and did Mr. Zahhak really kill my mama’s husband, and how could they be friends after that, and how could my mother have my surname for her maiden name? I just don’t understand!” 

“I wish I could help you.”

“You could ask your father,” I said hopefully. “He might know something.” 

“I suppose,” he said. “I’m not sure what he’d say. He might not tell me anything either.” 

“You don’t have to,” I said. “If you do, just…please tell me. There’s just so much she never told me and…I don’t know. I feel like she died before I had the chance to know her.” 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I can try. I don’t know what my father would tell me, or how much of it would be the truth.” He paused, then said, “Why can’t you just find her journals?”

“I have. I’m not going to read them.”

“What? Why not, if you want to know her?”

“They were private. I’m not going to take that from her.”

“She’s gone, Meulin.”

“She is, but that doesn’t mean I can just start going through her secrets. I won’t want everyone to read my journals when I’m gone!”

He shrugged. “If that’s what you want to do.”

“What, do you think I shouldn’t?”

“It’s up to you, Meulin,” he said, like he was frustrated. 

“What’s wrong? Do you think I should?”

“I think you need to cope with her death, and you can’t keep acting as if she’s still here.” 

“I am coping! I’m fine, really. I just want to treat her with respect, even after death.” 

“Alright,” he said. “I understand. I wouldn’t want to violate my mother’s privacy, even now. I’ll ask my father and see what he says.” 

“Thank you, Kurloz. I appreciate it.” 

“Of course, Meulin,” he said softly. 

Maybe he’s right. I don’t want to read her journals, still, but I can’t keep acting like she might come back. She’s gone. I need to live with that, and move forward. If I keep living in the past, I’ll never make the new life for myself I want, and she wanted for me. 

 

6 May 1639

Kurloz did ask his father about my mother, although he did just call her Disciple. He said he asked his father about “this Disciple woman” because he’d heard her name mentioned and was curious, so his father doesn’t know he has any connection, just in case. (Also so his father doesn’t know about me yet.)

“He said that she was a rebel, and she was captured back in twenty-three and her husband, the leader of the gang, was executed and the rest of her gang was sold into slavery. Apparently she survived because the executioner spared her life after she gave some speech.”

“Did you ask who the executioner was?”

“Yes. My father said a man named Zahhak.” 

“So it’s true.”

“I suppose so. Meulin, I’m sorry…”

“What for?”

“He broke your mother.”

“He did, but if she forgave him, so will I.” 

“You’re going to forgive him?”

“It’s not my place to be upset with him if my mother wasn’t.” 

He shrugged and said, “Alright, if that’s what you feel.” 

“It is,” I said. My mama told me that people are good, really, and want to do what’s right. So I trust that Mr. Zahhak, whatever he did, he wanted to do what was right. And if my mama forgave him for killing her love, what right do I have to hold it against him? I never even knew the man, and there was more than that in my mother’s grief. 

 

9 May 1639

Kitty said at dinner that I’m spending too much time with Kurloz again. Well, not in so many words, but she told me she feels like I’m not spending so much time with her. I’m glad she told me. I want to be a good sister and have my own life with my friends and my darling, and it can be a hard balance to strike! But as long as Kitty reminds me when I’m spending too much time away from her, I think I can manage. 

 

14 May 1639

Porrim was over for tea today, and she said I’m not in the village so often. 

“I’m busy so much these days! Midwife work, hunting, gardening, sewing, spending time with Kurloz, spending time with Nepeta--I have a lot to do!”

“Well, alright. You could spend less time with Kurloz.”

“Porrim…”

“Men aren’t worth it, Meulin. You’re a romantic. I’m a realist.” 

“You’re a cynic.” 

“Well, I think it’s worth it to have friends outside a relationship.”

“I do too! I am very busy. I want to be your friend, and I care about you a lot! It’s just hard to find the time to go into the village not for work these days.” 

“Alright,” she said. “I believe you. I can try to come out here more often, if that’s easier for you.”

“It is, but you have your aunt. I can try to visit you more often, too.”

“My aunt’s fine, and my sister can take better care of her than I can. I don’t like her much anyway. She’s been pushing me to find a man and settle down.” 

“Sounds irritating,” I said. It does. I’m glad my mama always let me make my own choices when it comes to love and all that. 

“It is,” Porrim said. “My father says to be kind because she’s old and his sister, but I’m low on patience with the woman. Kanaya handles it much better than me, even though she’s in love with a woman. I’ve no idea how she does it.” 

“She’d be a good midwife,” I said. 

“I’m sure she would be,” Porrim said. 

“If she’s ever interested, I’d love to teach her,” I said. “It’d be easier to do this with two.” 

“I’ll tell her,” Porrim said. 

“I have my mother’s and her mother’s notebooks, too,” I said. “So she can always come have a look at those. They wrote down everything.”

“Neither of us can read,” Porrim said flatly. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, wincing. “I could teach her.” 

“You could teach all of us,” Porrim said. “I’d sure appreciate it.”

I don’t know why, but that statement hit me like a wave of exhaustion, and I felt so overwhelmed I had to sit down. 

“Meulin, are you alright?” 

“I--I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

“Hey, it’s--it’s alright. Meulin, can you look at me?”

I was shaking all over and I couldn’t breathe, not really, and I could feel my eyes tearing up, and I remember something like this happening to my mother. She said they happened to her because of the hard things she’d seen and been through, but they could happen to anyone for a lot of reasons. 

“I’m alright,” I said. “I--I’m having a bad moment. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for, jeez. You dying?”

“No. It’s just…something that happens, sometimes, to people. When there’s too much happening. I need some tea…chamomile. And valerian, and lemon, if I have any. My mother’s mix for calming the nerves.”

“Need any help?” 

“No, I can…” I tried to stand up, but my legs collapsed underneath me. “Yes, please.” 

“Just point me,” Porrim said. 

So I directed her to mix up the tea and then steeped a cup and drank it. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s alright,” Porrim said. “You don’t have to teach us to read, if you don’t have time. If that’s what you’re worried about. It was just a suggestion.”

“Sorry,” I said. I’m not sure why. I just couldn’t stop apologizing, and I don’t know why. 

“It’s fine,” she said, rubbing my back. “Hey. It’s alright. Take a deep breath. You’re fine.”

“Thanks, Porrim,” I said. 

“Any time, Meu,” she said. 

I feel better now, but I don’t know what that was about. My mama said that when those happen, it’s your body giving you a sign that something is wrong, something emotional rather than physical. Maybe I am doing too much--trying to be too much. I need to take a rest. Maybe I should take a few days off from all my work, and just read and sleep and drink my favorite tea. 

That sounds nice. Maybe I’ll take a bath. I haven’t in a couple of weeks, and my mama said we ought to bathe once a week. I’ll warm up the water and everything! 

It sounds heavenly. My mama always said it was important to look after yourself, especially as the midwife. She said if you’re not doing well yourself, it’s harder to really care for others. And I want to help others! That’s the midwife’s job. People in the village sometimes say how I’m young for a midwife, and how I’ve never had a baby, but I’m doing good work and helping people. 

The last thing my mama did was teach me how to help someone have a baby, so I think I’m qualified, anyways. 

Come to think of it, I don’t know anything about my mother’s first child. His name was Luke and he died when he was fourteen months old, but I don’t know if he looked like his mother or his father, what his first word was, or how old he was when he stood up for the first time. She never talked about him much. I can only imagine it hurt. 

I wish I knew the answers. I don’t know much about my mother at all, it seems. 

 

18 May 1639

Kurloz was over today for lunch, which was wonderful timing because tomorrow I’m going back to work. I’ve spent a few days not doing much, and Kitty said she was glad I was resting a little. I spent a lot of time with her, reading and walking in the woods and going to the clearing and just talking. Anyways, we talked some, and I told him about taking a rest. 

“I needed to rest, so I can do my work better.”

“Meulin, you are an angel,” he said with the sweetest smile. 

“Thank you,” I said, blushing terribly. 

“I mean it,” he said sincerely. 

I went very red and looked down. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to go out sometime,” he said shyly. 

“That sounds nice,” I said. “How does a walk in the woods sound?”

“Oh, I had an idea,” he said. “If you’ll promise to be out of the house after five and come home before seven.” 

“Alright,” I said. “Sounds exciting!” 

“I hope so,” he said, with the cutest smile. He’s just the sweetest! I’m sure he’s planning to cook for me, and maybe…oh, I don’t know what he’ll do! It’s kind of exciting. He’s probably picked something he knew I’d like, to surprise me. He does like to surprise me! It feels very nice. He tries to take care of me and make me feel cherished. I think he knows I just feel so wrung out and tired that if he just does everything, I can relax, and that’s what I need. 

I’m glad I can talk to him about how worried I get. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, and talking to him about it always makes me feel better. It’s also nice to be able to help him with his problems with his father. I know it’s hard for him, with his father just…being the way he is. His father’s wife isn’t much help, either; she’s quiet and dutiful, and she really only talks to Kurloz when he talks to her first. 

I think this is what it’s supposed to be, to love someone. We can talk to each other and help each other, and he knows what I need, and I know what he needs. It’s good. 

 

22 May 1639

Our outing was today! It was lovely. 

I spent the two hours in the village with my friends, talking about nothing and laughing together, and when I returned home he’d cooked and set the table with a delicious meal. 

“Your sister already ate,” he said. “This is just for us.” 

I smiled and sat, and the food was delicious. I think he brought some food from home, because what I have and normally eat is not nearly that nice. Once we were done, we walked north, towards his home, and I realized we were going to the theater! 

“A play?” I asked. 

“Yes,” he said. “A comedy. I think you might like it.” 

I smiled and said, “I’m sure I will.” 

He smiled back so sweet I thought I might melt. 

Once we were at the theater, he led me up to a seat near the center. I’ve never actually sat in a theater before! I could feel people staring at us, and I didn’t like that much, but it was nice to sit to watch the play. It was very funny! I laughed aloud so much my stomach hurt. It felt so good to relax and enjoy myself with my darling. 

I think I ought to talk to him about these things, though. He says it’s no skin off his back to spend money on nice things for me, but when he does it too much I feel a little nervous about how I can’t really repay him. The only way I could repay him is once we’re married, and then it would still be his money. I haven’t mentioned it, of course, and I can’t expect him to know what I’m thinking if I don’t say it, so I just have to say it. 

Oh, that doesn’t matter now! The night was wonderful, and he walked me home, and when we were home I kissed him for a long, long time. His lips are so soft and he kisses so well, so much better than even a month or two ago. The play was exactly what I liked, and the food was delicious. 

It’s good. I love him. 

 

27 May 1639

Horuss was over today, and I couldn’t resist telling him about the play, even though I know he doesn’t approve of such frivolity. 

“It was amazing,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard.” 

“Hm,” he said. “Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

“I know you don’t like theater,” I said. “But I love it!”

“Well, to each his own, I suppose,” Horuss said. “Was it expensive?”

“I did not spend money I need on a play,” I said. “Kurloz paid for it. How are you two getting on, anyways?”

“Decently well,” Horuss said. “He is actually quite interesting.”

I smiled. “I knew you two would be friends!”

He smiled back, which is rare for him. 

“Oh, um. Horuss. I’ve been meaning to ask. Is there any way you could ask your father about my mother? I know they were friends. I just have so many questions…” 

“Are there any in particular you would like me to ask?”

“I want to know what he meant about Simonn. And how she had my last name for her maiden name!”

“Her maiden name was Leijon?”

“Yes. I don’t know how she could be related to the local nobles!”

He choked on his tea. “I’m sorry?”

“Did I never--Horuss, my blood parents are the Lord and Lady Leijon. I ran away from home because they were starving us, and once my mother found me and took me in, I went back for Kitty. There’s no one else in the area with this surname.” 

“Your blood parents were looking for you!”

“I’m sure they were, but they think we’re dead. They don’t deserve to call us their daughters, after what they did.” 

“What did they do?”

“They starved us. We had plenty, and they forced us to go hungry. We had nights we thought we’d die from the pain.” 

“Do you not think they cared? That they went looking for you?”

“Maybe they did. But they didn’t look very hard if they didn’t find us, and they…they had chances. I ran away when I was eleven, after nights of begging them on my knees for food. If they didn’t see what was wrong then, they never would. My mama loved Nepeta and me. She raised us. Even if we weren’t always full, she never held anything back.” 

Horuss looked uncomfortable, a bit like Kurloz did. I suppose if you’ve never heard of such a thing, it must seem mad and scandalous. But Mama raised us, and loved us, and taught us to love ourselves. We didn’t have much, and we don’t now, but she always gave us what she could. And when I was tired or sad or hurting or hating myself, she would be there for me. 

My mama loved me. Anyone who thinks that she was wrong to do what she did for me can leave me alone. 

 

1 June 1639

It’s getting to be awfully hot out. But Latula came over to my home today to invite me to a birthday party, Mituna’s! I’m excited for it. I think it’ll be fun! Their first party as a couple in their own home! We are all growing up, aren’t we? Hosting our own parties for our own friends to eat and drink and be merry (though I hope tomorrow we don’t die!). 

It’s going to be such fun! 

 

5 June 1639

Today was Mituna’s party! It was such fun. The two of them cooked a delicious meal for us, and it was such fun to spend time with my dear friends. Horuss was there, but Kurloz and Cronus and Meenah weren’t--it was too far to come to visit. 

Damara said she was glad Meenah wasn’t there. I wasn’t sure why, but Damara told Latula and Porrim and me that Meenah’s been taunting her about all that nonsense with Horuss and Rufioh. So I told her next time I saw Meenah I’d give her a piece of my mind. Why does she have to be so cruel? 

It was great fun nonetheless, and I’m ready to go to bed. What a good day!

 

8 June 1639

I woke up feeling a bit tired today, so I decided not to hunt and instead garden and maybe go into the village if someone sent for me. I’m trying to be better about taking care of myself when I need to. I certainly can’t take care of Kitty if I feel like I’m about to fall apart. 

I hope Horuss works up the courage to ask his father about my mother. I want to know! I asked him again today, and he said he might. 

 

11 June 1639

Horuss did ask his father. He told me today what he found out. 

“I asked my father what he knew about the Disciple.” 

“And?”

“He asked me why I was curious. I told him you had asked me to ask.”

I groaned and smacked my head on the table. “Horuss!”

“I’m sorry?” 

“You can’t tell him I’m asking! Or he’ll never tell me or you anything!”

“He told me to invite you for tea sometime, and he’d talk with you.”

“What? Really?”

“Yes.” 

“I--when? Now?”

“Not now. Perhaps in a few days? He does not see people often, these days. It will be a good bit of effort for him.” 

“I don’t have to,” I said. “If he’s not up to it.” 

“No,” he said. “He insisted that he was well enough to see you, and would not permit me to take a message.” 

“Alright. I can probably come by in a few days.” 

He nodded. “I’m sure my father will be happy to see you.” 

“I’ll be happy to see him, especially if he’s willing to talk to me about my mother.” 

So I suppose I’ll be finding out a thing or two about my mother soon. I hope he’s willing to tell me about her last name, even if he probably won’t talk about killing her husband. I won’t ask him, either. He’s almost fifty, and I think it would be bad practice as the midwife to push someone to the edge of mental capacities. 

 

14 June 1639

I went to see Mr. Zahhak today for tea, and when I arrived he was sitting very upright in an armchair with a book in Latin. Horuss’s whole family is a bit prone to pretension, but they’ll stop if you point it out. 

“Mr. Zahhak?” 

“Meulin Leijon,” he said. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“I’ve met you before,” I said. 

“Yes, as the midwife. Personally, I do not believe we have spoken much.” 

“No, not much.” 

“I understand you have some questions about your mother,” he said, more kindly now. 

“I do, if that’s alright.” I felt a bit odd talking to him, because he was my mother’s friend and he’s a proper adult in ways I’m not. He’s kind enough, but it’s always unnerving to talk to someone who knows what they’re doing in life. Or perhaps that’s me, because I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m afraid I never will. 

“Of course it is,” he said. “There was much your mother wanted to tell you, and her passing was untimely considering her health.” 

“Who was Simonn?” I asked, unable to hold it in anymore. 

“Simonn…Simonn was your mother and her husband’s dearest friend. The three of them knew each other since childhood and he was part of their…rebellion, as it were.” 

“Oh,” I said. “Their rebellion?”

“Yes,” he said. “I’m sure she told you of it. She left home not two years after her Luke passed away.” 

“Was he her only child?” 

“Yes,” he said. 

“Do you know why?” I asked. My mother wanted children, so why didn’t they try again? 

“She could not,” he said. “It made her quite ill. I do not know exactly what happened, but she became very ill one day while we were walking, and not long after that she mentioned she would never have another child.” 

I don’t know how he’s managed to be married for so long and have two children and not know what a miscarriage is. I suppose my mama had a couple of bad miscarriages, after which any reasonable midwife like her mother-in-law was would tell her not to try to have children. I suppose I can understand why she wouldn’t talk about it--why she’d rather focus on the two of us, blood children or not. 

“She was overjoyed to have you two,” he said. “She was thrilled that she had two lovely daughters. She adored you both.” 

“I know,” I said. 

“Good,” he said. 

“How did she have our last name?”

“She had her husband’s last name,” he said carefully. He’s a terrible liar. No wonder my mama thought him the most honest man she’d ever met. I’m sure even her husband, as honest as she described him, could lie better than that. 

“Before that. Her maiden name was Leijon. How is that possible?” 

He sighed. “How do you have your surname?”

“My blood parents gave it to me.”

“She had her surname the same way.” 

“She’s not blood related to me.”

“Did she speak to you ever of her blood parents?”

“Yes. Her father was a trader and her mother drank and called her names.”

“They were not her blood parents. She was given to them as an infant, when our good kingdom was struggling financially and the lord and lady did not wish to have more daughters to burden them.”

“More daughters?!” 

“Surely you know your blood mother is a daughter of the Leijon family.” 

“So--so--my mama’s my aunt?” 

“Yes, I suppose so. Your blood mother’s blood sister.” 

“Why didn’t she tell me?”

“I cannot imagine you felt safe with your blood parents, if you ran from them. She felt you may not trust her if she had your surname.” 

“Oh,” I said again, sipping my tea. My head was spinning wildly and I felt a little dizzy. My blood aunt. No wonder we all look so similar. I always thought it was just coincidence that I looked just like her. 

“Your mother cared deeply for you,” Mr. Zahhak said. “She wanted the best for you and your sister.” 

“I know,” I said. “She loved us. She always said so.” 

“She did good work,” he said. “The whole village is grateful to her.”

“They called her Mary Smith. They don’t know it was her.” 

“She did not feel it safe to use her Christian name in the village, after all that happened. But nonetheless, it was to her they expressed gratitude.” 

“All that happened?” I asked. I suppose I know it wasn’t the most honest thing ever, but I wanted to know if he would admit to what happened between him and my mother’s husband. 

“When Her Majesty ended their rebellion,” he said delicately. He’s an awful lot like Horuss that way--he’s certainly not sympathetic enough to my mother’s cause to agree with her, but not sympathetic enough to the current ruling party to agree with them. So instead he occupies this middling space, agreeing with no one and only protected by people like my mother as a matter of principle (although I think she did hold a certain fondness for Mr. Zahhak, like I do for Horuss). 

“What happened with that?” I asked. 

He went awfully red. “It is not a happy story, Meulin. Perhaps it is best to let it be.” I didn’t really expect him to admit to breaking my mother’s heart, so I didn’t ask again. I don’t know how she forgave him. I’m not sure I ever could, if someone killed my darling in front of me like that. 

“Alright,” I said. 

After that, we didn’t talk about anything serious. He talked about a few books he had read, and I told him about some of my favorite novels. It was kind of nice to have to my questions answered. 

As I was leaving, he said, “And tell your sister hello from me.”

“I will.”

“If either of you find yourselves in need, please ask me for assistance.”

“We will. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said. “Have a nice day.”

“You too.” 

I went home, feeling profoundly off-kilter, and just laid back on the couch for an hour or so, until Kitty came home and found me lying there. 

“Meulin?”

“Hm?” I said. 

“Linny, what’s wrong?” she asked. 

“I went to talk with Mr. Zahhak today about Mama. He…there’s a lot that happened between them.”

She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Not like that,” I said. “They were friends. I mean…okay, promise you won’t tell Mr. Zahhak I told you?” 

“Yes.”

“He killed her husband. They were captured when the queen decided to crush their rebellion and he was the executioner. So…Mr. Zahhak killed Mama’s love.” 

“Oh.”

“You can still be friends with Equius,” I said. “Mama wasn’t mad about that. She was friends with Mr. Zahhak, so she forgave him at least a little bit.” 

“What about Simonn?”

“When did I mention Simonn to you?”

“At dinner a few nights ago. You said you were frustrated how Mama didn’t tell us a lot of things.” 

“Right, right,” I said. “Simonn was Mama’s best friend. And he died--or didn’t die--I don’t know, I didn’t ask about that--after their revolution.” She sighed. “I should’ve asked about Luke.” 

“Hm,” Nepeta said. “He’d be our brother.”

“He would be,” I said. I didn’t mention that I don’t think our mama would’ve been able to care for three children with such a heavy heart. But maybe if Luke hadn’t passed her heart wouldn’t have been so heavy?

Well, it doesn’t matter much, I suppose. What happened is what happened. I can’t go back and change it, much as I might want to. I do wonder what it would have been like to have an older brother, especially since he would have been nineteen when Mama passed. I wouldn’t have to take care of Kitty on my own. I’m sure the three of us would be friends, and maybe by now he’d be married and we’d go to his wedding. 

Well, I can speculate all I please, but I’m not sure it means anything. 

 

18 June 1639

Kitty was not feeling well today and so I mixed her up something for a headache and asked her if something was bothering her. 

“I still like Karkat,” she said. “He’s just so perfect. I don’t want to like him anymore, but I can’t stop!”

“It’s alright, Kitty,” I said. “It’s hard to just stop having feelings for someone. It takes a lot of time, and it’ll be a while until you do feel better.” 

“I know,” she said. “I just wish it didn’t.” 

“Well, try not to be upset with yourself,” I said. “Feelings are just feelings. You don’t need to ever be upset with yourself for feeling them.” 

She nodded. “I love you, Linny.” 

“Love you too, Kitty.” 

I feel sorry for her. It’s hard to stop feeling that way about somebody, and she must be really hurting right now. And there’s no way to get away from it in this village; it’s too small, and with all of them being friends, she can’t really get too far away from him for a chance to feel however she needs to without him in the way. 

Well, I want to help her, but I don’t really know how. I have my darling--I don’t need to stop feeling any way about him. As long as I keep loving him, everything will be fine. Honestly, right now, I don’t think I could not be in love with him. Perhaps I’m young and ignorant, but I don’t think I’ll ever not love him. And if every time I see him, I remember everything I love about him, I think I’ll be alright. 

 

23 June 1639

I told Kurloz about talking with Mr. Zahhak, and about Simonn and my mama also being my blood aunt. He was pretty surprised, but agreed with me that it explains how much I look like her. They only met once, briefly, and he thinks we looked just alike. 

I do have that picture of her, the one her best friend drew. I asked her about it once and she laughed, lighter than normal, and said he’d drawn it when they were young--when she was just sixteen or seventeen. She said he also drew family pictures of them, but I’ve never found those pictures. 

Anyways, in the picture, she looks just like me. We could be twins. 

 

27 June 1639

I want so badly to have a daughter someday. I want to pass on what I know to her, and I want to teach her to read and write, and I want to give her the best life I can. I want to love her. I can’t say I’d be disappointed to have a son, because I just want children, but I do want to have a daughter. 

Kitty finished the loveliest embroidery today on one of her shirts. She likes to put it around her sleeves so she can rub her thumbs over it when she’s worried or there’s too much happened, and so it is both beautiful and useful. I know she’s different from other people, but she’s so brilliant and kind and clever that I don’t think it matters at all.


End file.
